It's never going to be perfect

Some of the deepest insights about life that I've encountered have been spoken by fictional characters. I ran across this line from a J. California Cooper novel which is definitely food for thought.

"Occasionally, actually quite often, someone will refer to a family or person as dysfunctional. Which, I believe, is a sign of ignorance, for the obvious reason that 70 or 80 percent of all the people who have ever lived were dysfunctional. The other 20 or 30 percent tried to be, or had sense enough to be, a little wiser. Among them, the greatest were disliked, hated, killed, or crucified. And they weren’t even perfect, except one."
— Opening sentence of “Life Is Short But Wide” by J. California Cooper

"Dysfunctional" is a term that is, indeed, used a lot. My take is that if we're raised by humans, we're going to have issues (which is really just another way of saying dysfunction)--because nobody's perfect. So when we accept that we are likely to have some burrs in our psyches, I contend that life gets easier.

Why? 

Because if we accept the imperfection of the human experience, we stop expecting to achieve TV love, an immaculate home, flawless performances, cookie cutter lives, or a personal status in which we have all the answers. We will also cut ourselves some slack, stop feeling sorry for ourselves, get beyond "Woe is me," and realize that life is tough all over. Sometimes it's a challenge to accept this mindset because the media bombards us with images of the perfection journey on which we should all be embarked! 

Once we get the "It's never going to be perfect mindset," we can finally develop realistic visions for authentic relationships; homes filled with real people; bodies that have grown and birthed people in them; jobs that are satisfying but are still a lot of work; or bank accounts that can't support a BMW, but that put food on the table.  That's what grounds us. That's what actually diminishes the level of dysfunction or the impact of issues.

Because the bottom line when it comes to dysfunction or having issues is that we, as individuals, elected to stick to a script that wasn't of our making. We chose to proceed blindly down a path designed by others instead of using our power to hack away the vines and stumps until we made our own.

Simply put, we can choose to live on purpose and commit to live examined lives. Not a life that requires a PhD in psychology, but one in which we take time to check ourselves when we:

• try to control everything and everybody, 
• nitpick about normal human behavior
• blame others for imagined infractions
• develop tendencies and habits that make life worse
• become a doormat for anybody
• use others as doormats
• get so busy there's no time to think
• let the external world destroy peace of mind
• scare ourselves from fully participating in the myriad options that life presents

I have to check myself when I become critical, grumpy and hard-to-please. It's usually a sign that (internally) I'm not living up to some real or imagined standard I've placed on myself. The important message I usually get is that it rarely has much to do with the other person/people. It has to do with me. Because people are going to be who they are. And if (according to Cooper's character's assessment) 70-80% are dysfunctional, it's on me to get my own mind right so I can live a peaceful and satisfying life. 

Peace and love!

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl! It's available from the publisher (Main Street Rag) or on Amazon. Find out how Sophia Sawyer's issues (inherited from a media-influenced mother) contribute to the abandonment of her six children.

Stay tuned for information about my writing workshops for teens and adults at the Neuse Regional Library Literary Festival in Kinston, NC on September 27, 2014.

Reorient yourself for a more peaceful existence

I've been writing so much these days that I decided to let these images speak for 

ways to stay peaceful and grounded.

Make decisions. Don't live on automatic. Always be mindful that the decisions we make reflect the power we have over our lives.

Face fears and dream. And they don't have to be big fears and dreams. They can be little ones-- like going to the movies by yourself once a month.

Be uniquely you. There's no perfect talent, size, fashion, or lifestyle. There's no one-size-fits-all lifestyle, so design your own.

Be tolerant. It really does take all kinds to make a world, and NOBODY is perfect.

© 2014 Quinn Dombrowski, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

Love yourself-- warts and all-- because only then will you treat yourself with the loving kindness that allows you to make decisions and behave in ways that uplift and enhance your life.

Authenticity in action

In an interview following Terry McMillan's appearance at Quail Ridge Book Store in Raleigh, I was asked what was the most remarkable aspect of the event. It didn't take me long to respond. It was definitely her authenticity. (See this great article about the event. http://www.midtownraleighnews.com/2014/07/13/4003017/midtown-muse-mcmillan-brings-fresh.html)

For me, authenticity stands out as one of the most important values a person can live by.
Why? Because many people with abandonment issues have a hard time with being authentic.
Why? Because so many people with abandonment issues are codependent-- which makes them people pleasers.

I took this quote from the  mental health America website: "Codependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to 'be themselves.'"

Key phrase: They find it hard to be themselves. 

We sort of live in a society of copycats. There are so many ways not to be authentic:
- jumping on the latest bandwagon--in opinions, style, desires, speech, interests
- pretending not to care when you do
- pretending to care when you don't
- playing to the crowd instead of coming from the heart
- following a blueprint when it comes to emotions because that's how you're supposed to feel

(These 21 Quotes on Authenticity spell out what it's all about.)

So back to Terry McMillan. With plenty of time for questions from the audience, it was priceless to see her personality in action, in public. There was no posturing. I couldn't detect any censoring. I got the sense she was digging into herself to answer honestly and clearly. She was so off-the-cuff: with her facial expressions, with the information she chose to share, even with what she chose to read (A child was asked to leave the room because what she read wouldn't be appropriate for young ears). Love it!

Why was this important to me?

As a writer, I needed/need to believe that there is no "formula." We now have access to TED Talks, bulleted How To lists, and resources to prepare us for any topic/situation we can imagine. The fallout: an era of continuous searching for the right way to do it (whatever it is). Don't get me wrong, information is great-- as long as it doesn't kill our ability to be spontaneous, to trust our own instincts, to friggin' wing it.

So it takes a certain level of chutzpah to know your craft, be prepared, and just be comfortable-- without affectations or gimmicks.

What's the benefit of authenticity? Removing the filter between who you are and how you do you. Because the only person who can really know and satisfy you is you. And that will never happen if you're two steps away from who you really are.

Me, introducing Terry McMillan on July 8, 2014 @Quail Ridge Books

By the way: If you're interested in learning more about book promotion and publicity, put this on your calendar:

• Join publicist Bridgette A. Lacy for her Book Publicity Boot Camp on Saturday, Aug. 2 from 9 a.m. to noon at Quail Ridge Books & Music. The three-hour session will cover how to create an Author Press Kit, A Social Media Strategy for Your Book and How to Build an Audience. For more information, visithttp://www.bridgettelacy.com/events.htm

• Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl today!

Read a review: www.tinyurl.com/mpsxpjd

When Sophia Sawyer walks away from her six children, she failed to realize that her absence will color their expectations long after their childhoods were over.

Does your device seduce you away from your kids?

In a recent review of my novella (http://aliceosborn.com/how-to-stay-grounded-after-abandonment/), author Jo Taylor wrote, "As a reader of Salt in the Sugar Bowl, you may feel anger toward parents who cannot maintain family life and yet sympathize with their circumstances, feel sorry for the dysfunction in the lives of the innocent bystanders." 

That, I believe, is the Catch-22 of parenting in our society. We understand why things get dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean we're okay with it. There are so many ways that children become pawns under seemingly harmless circumstances. Most parents love their children and would lay down their lives for them, still their daily habits and tendencies steadily deduct mental health points from their children's psychological banks.

As an example, I often get really annoyed when I see some parents and their little kids in public having supposed quality time, but the adults are more fixated on their devices than they are on their kids. Sometimes the kids are obviously an annoyance because they are distracting the adult from sending that text, or surfing the web, or posting whatever the hell is so much more important. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those devote-every-minute-to-your-kids people. To the contrary, I'm the grown-folks-need-time-and-space-to-be-grown-folks-apart-from-their-kids guru. 

What I truly believe though, is that in our extreme busy-ness, when we carve out time to do some kid-friendly things with our children, we have to force ourselves to show them we are interested in who they are, what they are doing, and what they have to say. That means turning off the device sometimes-- especially during these summer months with more time spent in parks, on beaches, at museums, street fairs, etc. 

Having been an adult for many decades, one of my pet peeves has always been, if I'm devoting some time from my schedule to spend time with someone (going out to dinner, being on a date, taking a walk, a drive, or whatever) and I'm talking to that individual, then I expect he or she is actually listening (or at least pretending to listen). When we're supposed to be doing something together, can't the device be neglected for a time?

So parents, put yourselves in the kids' shoes. If they're finding rocks or calling, "Look at how high I'm swinging," don't just glance up from your device and go, "Uh huhn." Pay attention for a few minutes. Self esteem begins with feeling acknowledged. Not having that feeling from parents is one of the many ways kids grow up with abandonment issues. The way you feel if your partner or date or mate gives a one-eyed glance and a grunt when you make an observation is what children feel when you wave a hand and say, "Go play!" as you continue your discovery of enticing new web content. Dismissed. That's the feeling.

And, for the record, having your little one pose for pictures is not quality time. It's the interaction that counts. (I'm actually a little afraid of what's going to happen to all these little kids whose whole lives have been photo opportunities.)

Okay, enough said on a Wednesday morning........ Am I being too harsh? (since those Smartphones really must be just too amazing).


FYI: Salt in the Sugar Bowl is still available! Get your copy for a quick summer read.
- In the Triangle? at Quail Ridge Books 
- Online: Main Street Rag Publishing Company or at amazon.com

Personal lessons about real freedom

So I've been through the personal hell of having a sick mother. Surgery, practically living in hospital rooms, the anxiety of not knowing what will happen next...... Nothing quite compares.

For someone with abandonment issues, going through such a situation is like going to emotional graduate school!

These are some things I've learned:

• I can't make an adult do what I want her to do, even if I think it's the absolute right thing.
• Working myself into a tizzy doesn't mean I'll get the results I anticipated.
• Life doesn't stop when a loved one gets sick.
• This is not the time to run out of vitamins.
• Superwoman is not an effective role for extended periods of time.
• No matter how independent I've been, there are times when a team works much better.

The biggest thing I've learned, however,  (which has freed me in a way I can't describe) is that I don't have the power to decide another's fate. For most of my life I have operated under the illusion that if I figure things out and do the right things, then I will somehow make a difference in the outcomes of others. 

Abandonment issues usually start when we are children, when we felt if we had done things differently, we would have held onto something. Or we felt if we could get control of things and/or people, we would be okay. People with abandonment issues, therefore, go through life trying to orchestrate circumstances in an infinite number of right ways to get the right responses. We make the best cheerleaders, gophers, hand maids, martyrs, etc. It's often a thankless task, and one can easily lose oneself in the process. 

Why is it thankless? Why is this way of being in the world not a good thing?

Because everyone has his or her own vision, needs, strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and desires. People have their lives and circumstances, and they don't belong to us. Many of us who've had abandonment issues are codependent-- which means we see ourselves as a solution even when we aren't. Our inner need to keep everyone safe, well, secure, etc., colors our ability to see the boundaries between ourselves and others. We jump into overdrive trying to make things work. We can miss all the signposts along the way.  

What are the signposts? 

- We simply aren't in other folks' immune systems.

- We don't control their intrinsic motivation.

- We are not privy to their emotional radar.

- We have no ability to see their lives from their unique perspective.

This crisis of being with my mother during this illness has taught me volumes. I am now much freer psychologically because I'm more in touch with where my power begins and ends. I am released from a fear that I haven't done enough to make things turn out the way I want/need them to. I've learned to  let life be-- knowing I'm not the one holding things in balance. There is a freedom in being willing to admit that I sometimes don't know what to do, and that sometimes there is nothing to be done. There is freedom in knowing that sometimes I just have to watch and wait.

It's a new and different perspective for the formerly codependent, abandonment guru.

It feels like the feeling might kill you.

I can't watch the Budweiser Clydesdale commercial without tearing up. My heart catches on a sharp and familiar feeling. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuAAXCOUH6Q

The man raises the horse from infancy-- training her as a Budweiser Clydesdale. This short mini-movie commercial hits on so many of the emotional hotspots of those who have experienced abandonment:

• There's the watching the truck come to get her. I feel a tug in my solar plexus. 
• There's watching him wave goodbye. I'm feeling warm. 
• There's the sitting alone at the table with a beer knowing the loved one is out there somewhere-- without you. 
• There's the climax! The hopeful anticipation of reconnection when the Clydesdale comes back to town.
• Alas! There's that momentary flatline of unfulfilled expectation when the horse passes him by without a sideways glance. 
• Then there's the resolution! The blissful relief when the man sees the horse come galloping after him, returning at last. He gets to have the tender moment when he knows he has not been forgotten, that he has not lost love!

My heart swells with gladness that the abandonment is undone! That our separations can result in reconnections and requited love. And all's well that ends well.

But that's why television and Madison Avenue hook us.

That's why I could watch this commercial over and over, and probably tear up at all the right places-- every single time. I know the feeling of missing and wishing for different outcomes, and all that fallout from separations. They've got my number!

But my point here is not to have a Budweiser and drown your sorrows, or to keep hoping that those who left will come rushing back, or that you will be reconnected with the dead, or that you should keep waiting for the happy ending.

My point is that our emotions and hurts may not ever vanish altogether, and they may resurface at the most unexpected moments for the rest of our lives. I'm here to testify that all that raw emotion can tear us all to pieces when we find ourselves in the friggin middle of our issues.

BUT!

There is not a feeling that we can experience that will actually kill us. It just seems that way. We must remember to feel it, acknowledge it, reel from the discomfort of it, then work our way through it.

My novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl is like an abandonment manifesto! Sophia Sawyer walks away from her six children and never looks back. Each chapter visits one of her adult children to see how the separation impacts on how they live and love. Available from Main Street Rag Publishers, at www.amazon.com, Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh, select Barnes and Noble stores. Inquire at your local bookstore.

The you beneath the surface

I'm excited because tomorrow (3/9) I get to talk about abandonment issues and being authentic at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh. It's a cool and cozy indy bookstore that has great book talks that promote thought and discussion.

http://quailridgebooks.com/event/saltinthesugarbowl

One theme that runs through my novella, Salt in the Sugar Bowl, is that in our media-obsessed era, people can easily lose touch with their true selves. We change ourselves trying to be who we think we should be, who others will deem attractive-- all the while sabotaging our chances of being accepted for who we really are. Because if we alter ourselves trying to fit the images we see, then that's false advertising. Adorning ourselves is one thing, but recreating ourselves according to false standards is another thing all together. We must always remember:

We are not our hair, nails, and makeup.
We are not the car we drive.
We are not the job we have.
We are not the house and furnishings.

We are something much deeper, elemental, and unique. Unless those qualities are shining through, and unless the adorning is reflecting that core person, we haven't laid a foundation for a satisfying life. All the glitz, glamour, fantasies and showcasing are just the surface. No wonder so many relationships and marriages are tremendous disappointments. It's like thinking you're sticking your spoon into a bowl of refreshing ice cream and find it's whipped butter. Nothing wrong with either one, but it wasn't what you wanted or expected.

Salt in the Sugar Bowl is available at Barnes & Noble, Cary, Barnes & Noble New Hope Commons in Durham, and at Quail Ridge Books. Or you can order your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl at amazon.com. It's also available from the publisher, Main Street Rag.

Read a review: http://www.heraldsun.com/lifestyles/books/x1385734997/REVIEW-A-saga-of-leaving-and-returning

Supporting your short term self versus your long term self

Humans of New York's photo.: 

"I wish I'd partied a little less. People always say 'be true to yourself.' But that's misleading, because there are two selves. There's your short term self, and there's your long term self. And if you're only true to your short term self, your long term self slowly decays."

Now that there is the truth! That's why I'm up doing my job before my job to catch up for all the time I spent partying when I was younger. And some of it was worth it, but a lot of it was me just acting out my "issues." Young'uns, take heed!

It behooves us to reflect on what we love and why we love it, and spend some quality time developing ourselves in that direction. Partying is fun and all, but it's not a whole life. A whole life is about balance. Satisfaction is about feeling in balance. There's a lot of satisfaction to be had from working through those issues that make us want to just party all the time. My issues were about escape. I had a lot of residual pain from experiencing too much death and separations in my early life. I kept moving, kept living for a good time (that usually wasn't all that good, but what was supposed to be fun), and being pretty half-assed with reaching my goals. And I was smart, but not committed. Had goals, but not enough discipline. 

So I want to just say you're never too young to learn about commitment to reaching your goals and cultivating the discipline to reach them. It might even be part of the prescription for overcoming those issues because it'll make you feel so good about yourself.


Come to my Salt in the Sugar Bowl book talk at Quail Ridge Books & Music, Raleigh on Sunday, March 9th at 3 pm.

Acceptance: You'll be done when you die

I've been busy. I get up early to do what I call my job before my job. I write and I teach. I also promote my novella; otherwise it will sit on shelves gathering dust instead of broadening the discussion about abandonment issues and self-awareness-- which I contend are critical to our well-being in a very complicated society. So now it's like I have three jobs. But this isn't just my situation; so many people have alarmingly busy schedules:

- Teaching, tutoring, and raising kids
- Teaching full-time day school followed by college courses in the evening
- Commuting two hours to teach, followed by writing, submitting, & reading other people's work
- Working out of town and returning on weekends to carry out all the necessary domestic duties
- Working several part-time jobs to make ends meet
- And if you're in a city-- driving to the ferry, riding across the water to board a subway (I did this for years!)

The scenarios are endless!

A few weeks ago, I was in low-grade panic mode, sort of scaring myself about all that had to be done and feeling overwhelmed.

Then I started to meditate.

Something dawned on me: It's how we approach it that matters. There are only so many hours in a day, so at some point we just have to go to bed. When we get up, most of what we have to do is still there. So we begin again. And that's the rub.

It's like we are programmed to think that we should hurry up and finish so we get to this period of blissful, open-ended, smooth sailing. Not so. This is life. Busy. Too much in it. New things coming out of nowhere-- a funeral, a humongous bill, a party, a new assignment, jury duty, sick kids, whatever.

This is what I understand since my meditating epiphany:

- Contentment comes when we accept, day-by-day, the things that are on our plate. Resisting, complaining, and wishing things were different makes us feel bad while having to do it anyway.

- When we resist and feel negative about what we have to do anyway, our minutes and hours take on an unpleasant, stressful quality-- that we're waiting to get through.

- Having that stressful attitude is actually creating an unhappy life experience because these appointments, working hard, and long "To Do" lists are what make up our lives.

- Acceptance is about having the best emotional experience we can while doing what we have to do.

If you want a visual to understand what I mean, watch the 1922 silent film Nanook of the North. It's a documentary about the daily lives of an Inuk family. At one point the family was literally building their igloo/house on a daily basis after a day of hunting! And throughout, they are smiling!

Nanook Of The North Full Movie - YouTube

So I conclude this post by saying that my acceptance of my busy lifestyle has made me more joyful as I work. I am also more present as I'm doing what I do because I'm not stressing about what I have to do next.  I'm walking slower and remembering to take deep breaths. As I've heard on many occasions, "You'll be done when you die."


On Sunday, March 9th at 3 pm, I get to read and discuss Salt in the Sugar Bowl at Quail Ridge Books & Music, a very cool independent bookstore in Raleigh. If you're in the area, please drop by... and tell your friends! 

You can buy Salt in the Sugar Bowl from Main Street Rag Publish Company's website, at Barnes & Noble @ New Hope Commons in Durham, and at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh.

Clothes make the (wo)man

So we have dress-down Mondays at my school. It's a morale booster for staff and students. This past Monday the teacher across the hall from me noticed my flannel shirt, jeans and work boots. "That's you," she said. "That's your personality."
"How'd you know?" I asked.
"It's just you."
And she was right. It blew my mind that the two or three times I've worn flannel, jeans and workboots, she has said something similar. The truth is, if I had an Angie uniform, that would be it. When I wear that threesome, I feel able to meet any challenge. These have been my favorite, most frequent non-professional clothing items since my early twenties.

I'd love one in every color!

Maybe they fit me best because I'm a do-er: I garden, cook, write on benches and porch steps. Flannel and denim wash well, and it doesn't matter if I stain them. They still look and feel perfect (to me). It's sort of like the saying, when you have comfortable shoes, you forget you have feet.

Wearing this uniform makes the issue of clothing disappear because clothes say things about us-- androgynous, earth mother, nerd, soccer mom, glamour girl, preppie, whatever. If a label fits, we probably feel most comfortable when we're in this outer skin (clothing). When we wear  these things, we never wish we'd worn something else. We have that extra smidgeon of energy freed up to focus on whatever we're up to.

I don't know how or why this happens.

Maybe I'm more "myself" in flannel and jeans because my happiest, free-est childhood days were spent with my grandparents in the South. I wore a great deal of flannel back then, as did my grandfather who was definitely more like a dad than a granddad. Those were the days before they both died and I moved permanently back to New York, before abandonment issues became a running theme in my life. Maybe flannel and denim represent a simpler time-- before pain and fear colored the steps I took and the expectations I had about the world.

So in this society of rapidly-changing fashion statements: what's in, out, lame, hot, etc. I say find your uniform-- the things that not only make you feel good, but also represent "you" at your core. Wear it every chance you get, in as many variations as you can come up with. I plan to, because when I do, it's like a kid putting on the Superman cape.

So what's your uniform?

Check this out: This Sunday Cliff Bellamy wrote a great review about Salt in the Sugar Bowl for the "Books and More" section of the Durham Herald-Sun! http://www.heraldsun.com/lifestyles/books/x1385734997/REVIEW-A-saga-of-leaving-and-returning 

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl (Main Street Rag Publishing Company)
Available at www.amazon.com