Happy during a pandemic? What in the world?

Yesterday, my husband and I sat on the bank of the Roanoke River. In an instant, the breeze, the sun, the coffee hit me in just the right way, and I was BLISSFUL. In my heart, I was saying, It doesn’t get any better than this. Then an inner voice screeched: Wait a minute! There’s a pandemic! Race relations are horrific! And you’re this happy? What’s wrong with you?

July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. I realized I already know the answer to those questions I asked myself. There’s nothing wrong with me except that I’m getting healthier. I’m walking the walk instead of talking the talk. For years I was a marathon journaler. I would go deep into mental masturbation about a troubling situation and come out on as many sides of it as I could fathom. In no time, anxiety itched again—first just a little, then  it grew until there I was scratching furiously in my journal once more. 

Now I know, trouble comes, bad things happen, and there are a dozen horrific things I can latch onto and feel lousy about. Mental health happened when I stopped latching onto those things. 

I no longer nurse wounds and worry myself silly. What I do now is acknowledge what’s going on. Yes, there’s a pandemic. I’m never without my masks. I listen to Dr. Fauci. I carry hand sanitizer in a grapefruit scent that makes me happy when I use it. 

And yes, there’s racial tension up the wazoo. But I’m mindful of kind people of all races, and I believe kindness spreads. I send good vibes to protesters, and I interact honestly with whomever it makes sense to engage with about the topics of race, racism, bias—about what I know about being Black in this society for decades, and about how I believe we can move to a new and better place.

With all that going on, I’m still happy because things can always get worse before they get better. But as the old folks and the religious have been known to say, I woke up in my right mind and breathing on my own. If that’s the baseline, then I’m thriving. So I’d best tap into that good fortune and enjoy it while it’s here. Whether it comes as a great walk or talk with my husband or daughter or family members or friends, or a great meal and a good glass of red wine, or that the bumblebees are just having a party in my oregano bush, I’m down for it.

Perspective is everything. Things haven’t been great every day of my life. Every relationship has its dark spells. Then there was that season when my mother went down hill fast. There was a year when I worked so hard and under so much pressure that I prayed daily not to have a stroke before I found a new situation. And there have been plenty more…..

I believe a commitment to mental health involves making the best of what’s happening right now. It helps if we’re expecting (with fingers crossed) that it’s liable to get better. But it really is (I’d bet dollars to doughnuts) about seeing something good right where you are.

So I’ll go back to that previous paragraph and tell you what “being okay right now” looks like when life’s not so great:

-       When my relationship was in that dark spell, I listened to all this motivational stuff about releasing the past and opening my heart. And it worked; I felt gung ho and motivated one day at a time.

-       When my mother was going down hill fast, I started my day with a magnificent cup of coffee from this particular little shop—because I knew that was going to be the highlight of my day, and everyday needs a highlight.

-       When I had all that self-employment job pressure, I put myself on a tight budget and delighted daily in how much I didn’t spend because I was setting myself up to make less money. 

So I’m all about being blissful—even during these harried times, and I’ll take every opportunity to find something delightful. And don’t you be afraid to give yourself over to delight. It simply makes life better. And that’s what it’s all about. Being alive. Making the most of it. Raising energy. One deep breath at a time.

Commit to your well-being

With an ongoing pandemic and an unsettling racial climate, staying grounded is more important than ever. My mind reels with conversations I'd like to have with everyone from careless socializers to panicking parents to Trump (I refuse to call him a president because he cusses in public and uses language that's barely fitting for a school boy.)

So today I recommit to meditate regularly. Not for a string of days until I feel more settled. But as a practice. Like brushing my teeth and washing dishes. Whenever I meditate, life works better for me. Insights come out of the blue. Interactions feel more harmonious. My Spirit settles peacefully into present moments throughout my day, and I'm happier. 

No matter what's going on in the world, you have to make YOURSELF strong enough to make it through. 

What practice benefits you and improves the quality of your life?

Staying Present Isn't Rocket Science

Today I had a minor epiphany about staying present. The concept has become a critical part of handling stress and achieving peace of mind. It suddenly became clear to me that being present is actually making ourselves tackle the things that need doing that are right in front of us.

We've evolved beyond having to feed the chickens to keep them alive and us from starving, or harvesting our crops so they don't go to seed. So now we fail to see the urgency of handling mundane tasks on a daily basis.

In an era of convenience and incredible amounts of leisure time, we often find ourselves doing nothing important for a large part of our days. When we're channel surfing, watching random YouTube videos, scrolling through Snapchat or Facebook, what we're really doing is vacating. Too much vacating (even a couple of hours), and we've actually set ourselves up for stress and all kinds of problems in the near future.

How? Why?

Because when we're vacating, time evaporates, and we're not taking care of what's in front of us that needs doing. Things like....
Washing dishes
Folding laundry
Grading papers
Paying bills
Cooking
Writing
Studying
Reading
Playing with the kids
Communicating with other people in your environment
Working on a project

When we don't do these things as they arise, we screw things up because they pile up or suddenly should have BEEN done. Then we complain because we're all stressed out because:
the kitchen is now a wreck, and you don't have an hour to spend cleaning;
the laundry takes half a day or more;
the bills accrued late fees;
the health routine was blown eating cheap fast food;
the novel or article didn't get written;
the goal didn't get met;
the grading, shopping, reading, knitting, etc. didn't get done; and
the kids and spouse suddenly seem incredibly annoying.

What actually happened was we spent way too much time lost in TV land, cyberspace, or just farting around before we did the important stuff.

So staying present doesn't have to be as complicated as bringing our attention back to the moment and paying attention to our breath. It can start with looking around, getting up, and doing what needs doing. After that, we can vacate into cyberspace or TV land, and fart around as much as we like.

It's never going to be perfect

Some of the deepest insights about life that I've encountered have been spoken by fictional characters. I ran across this line from a J. California Cooper novel which is definitely food for thought.

"Occasionally, actually quite often, someone will refer to a family or person as dysfunctional. Which, I believe, is a sign of ignorance, for the obvious reason that 70 or 80 percent of all the people who have ever lived were dysfunctional. The other 20 or 30 percent tried to be, or had sense enough to be, a little wiser. Among them, the greatest were disliked, hated, killed, or crucified. And they weren’t even perfect, except one."
— Opening sentence of “Life Is Short But Wide” by J. California Cooper

"Dysfunctional" is a term that is, indeed, used a lot. My take is that if we're raised by humans, we're going to have issues (which is really just another way of saying dysfunction)--because nobody's perfect. So when we accept that we are likely to have some burrs in our psyches, I contend that life gets easier.

Why? 

Because if we accept the imperfection of the human experience, we stop expecting to achieve TV love, an immaculate home, flawless performances, cookie cutter lives, or a personal status in which we have all the answers. We will also cut ourselves some slack, stop feeling sorry for ourselves, get beyond "Woe is me," and realize that life is tough all over. Sometimes it's a challenge to accept this mindset because the media bombards us with images of the perfection journey on which we should all be embarked! 

Once we get the "It's never going to be perfect mindset," we can finally develop realistic visions for authentic relationships; homes filled with real people; bodies that have grown and birthed people in them; jobs that are satisfying but are still a lot of work; or bank accounts that can't support a BMW, but that put food on the table.  That's what grounds us. That's what actually diminishes the level of dysfunction or the impact of issues.

Because the bottom line when it comes to dysfunction or having issues is that we, as individuals, elected to stick to a script that wasn't of our making. We chose to proceed blindly down a path designed by others instead of using our power to hack away the vines and stumps until we made our own.

Simply put, we can choose to live on purpose and commit to live examined lives. Not a life that requires a PhD in psychology, but one in which we take time to check ourselves when we:

• try to control everything and everybody, 
• nitpick about normal human behavior
• blame others for imagined infractions
• develop tendencies and habits that make life worse
• become a doormat for anybody
• use others as doormats
• get so busy there's no time to think
• let the external world destroy peace of mind
• scare ourselves from fully participating in the myriad options that life presents

I have to check myself when I become critical, grumpy and hard-to-please. It's usually a sign that (internally) I'm not living up to some real or imagined standard I've placed on myself. The important message I usually get is that it rarely has much to do with the other person/people. It has to do with me. Because people are going to be who they are. And if (according to Cooper's character's assessment) 70-80% are dysfunctional, it's on me to get my own mind right so I can live a peaceful and satisfying life. 

Peace and love!

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl! It's available from the publisher (Main Street Rag) or on Amazon. Find out how Sophia Sawyer's issues (inherited from a media-influenced mother) contribute to the abandonment of her six children.

Stay tuned for information about my writing workshops for teens and adults at the Neuse Regional Library Literary Festival in Kinston, NC on September 27, 2014.

Eckhart Tolle: "The opposite of life is not death. The opposite of death is birth. Life has no opposite."

Eckhart Tolle (by now you know he's one of my favorites) wrote, "The opposite of life is not death. The opposite of death is birth. Life has no opposite."

 

I like that as a quote for starting my year. There are so many implications. I can go really really deep when it comes to energy and life cycles and such.

 

But I won't do that now. Too much said is usually too much said.

 

So on this second day of an exciting new year, I will accept this quote as a mandate to really live this life that I have. There's no diminishing of life as we age. We are simply having a life...the one we are making-- either consciously or unconsciously.

 

 That's my tip--  Let's be as conscious as possible about what we do with LIFE. Let's not drag through our days clinging to beliefs that we haven't examined for ages. Let's not assume that because something didn't work six months ago means that it won't work now. .Let's process our circumstances in ways that resonate with possibility and light-heartedness.

 

And let's raise our expectations and believe we can create the best, unique, most soul-satisfying lives we can. Not as dictated by society or tradition or the community or the culture, but as dictated by the tiny, vibrant place within that's counting on us to get the most out of this journey. 

 

 

I will continue to contemplate on "Life has no opposite."

 

 

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Stress-Free Weekend

What happens to me is this... I'm going along fine and feeling pretty decent. The better I feel, the more I feel like doing. I keep doing, doing, doing, and suddenly I don't feel so decent anymore. This usually leads to a feeling of being unbelievably overwhelmed.. to the point that I'm not feeling so clear about anything anymore. By the end of the week my head is buzzing.

My grounding tip... Go to bed. Get some rest. Forget fun. Forget obligation. Sleep till you get that pressed-down feeling in your bed, and even if life is happening all around you, don't get up till you know you've slept late. Then get up and move slowly. Really slowly. Don't get too far away from a chair or a bed. I did it this weekend. I feel sooo much better. It works.