The Power of Prioritizing Passion & Pleasure

This week I had a remarkable AHA! It was after a magical evening among local booksellers, and Harper Collins representatives and their authors showcasing new books. Wine flowed and conversations about writing and stories and inspiration charged the atmosphere. The night encapsulated this phase of my life which is focused primarily on creative writing.

For more than six months now, I've been finishing my novel, gardening, and cooking with abandon--all things I love. Though I've been a writer since my teens, it's the first time ever that creative writing is my only job. For more than a decade, I wrote grants for education agencies and underserved communities; that was rewarding, but it didn't satisfy my creativity itch.

As for my AHA...

My friends know me as an epic journaler. Over the years, my journey has been peppered heavily with all manner of turmoil. Since I was a child, I've regularly (nearly daily) scribed multiple pages to unpack and analyze the angst--all captured in a literal trunk full of journals that have seen me through stuff. 

But recent seasons have generated a single journal with few entries that rarely fill a page.

I now realize that the major cure for what has generally "ailed" me for decades, is to write much and write consistently. It's my passion. It's what my soul craves.

Full-time writing is a luxury, I know, and people's lives are busy and chaotic. But I want to whisper humbly in your ears (because it's hard to hear such advice when the demands are endless.) If there's something burning in your heart, find a space to do that thing. It will soothe you in ways that nothing else will. Whether cooking, sewing, drawing, singing, reading, running, building, crafting, cycling, nurturing, volunteering, workshopping, or whatever it is the makes your body smile, do it.

To paraphrase author Louise Erdrich, let the dust bunnies gather and the plants go unwatered. Author Zelda Lockhart said when her child was young, she wrote in 15 minute clips, in the car between errands. Poet Lenard Moore, mentor to many of us, is relentless about writing everyday despite a loooooong daily drive to his teaching job.

So heal what ails you by making your passion your priority. Your passion is ultimately what will sustain you as your best self. We often say there's no time. But it can be found. Start by borrowing some from tasks that won't matter to your happiness & well-being.

Try some of these:

• Chat less. Let voicemail pick up.
• Time social media engagement so it doesn't gobble up hours.
• Skip shopping trips & useless meetings.
• Be more efficient at work, so you can get out earlier. (I was a HUGE procrastinator while teaching--which meant extra hours at the end of the day. Which meant, of course, that I had to journal about overcoming procrastination.)

Trust me. Pursuing pleasure by engaging in your areas of passion--for even minutes everyday, will do you unimaginable good. 

Most recent basket of journals...

 

Pay Attention--Really

I watched the movie "Deepwater Horizon" this weekend. It's based on the disastrous BP oil spill. That devastating event was totally human error. Taking short cuts. Not paying close enough attention to what was needed to get the job done correctly.

I thought about how many small and not-so-small problems start with not paying full attention to the task we're doing. Too often, people make mistakes in daily life because they just weren't paying attention.

Decades ago, I went through a frazzled period of relationship stuff. It was often at the back of my mind when (if I knew then what I know now) I could have compartmentalized parts of my life much, much better. During one of those distracted periods, I wrote checks for my monthly bills. Suddenly, my checks were bouncing all over New York City. Insufficient funds fees mounted, and I had noooo idea why. There were no automated banking features back then, so I finally went to the bank to see what happened. I'd written a check for the full amount of my checking account to the oil company! They just put in on my account. I was lucky they returned the extra when they found out my error. Since then, I've learned to shut off my problems when I'm working or dealing with money. I want my job and my money!

We're human, and sometimes we go through things that become all-consuming, and it's understandable to be distracted and make mistakes. But that's actually rare for most periods of our lives. For most days of lives, we aren't usually dealing with true emergencies and hardship. And still many are not "present" for large chunks of daily life.

As a society, we have adopted multitasking and distractedness as a way of life. We commit a slew of safety mistakes on a daily basis:
- talk on the phone while crossing the street with a baby carriage,
- check messages and social media while driving,
- make money transactions while checking a message or talking to a friend,
- chip teeth while using them as scissors or openers,
- put on makeup while driving,
- keep abreast of social communication while performing our jobs.

It's really important to start checking ourselves before the worst happens. Sometimes the worst is not so bad, but sometimes it can be life-shattering. If you don't know how to focus, learn how. If it's hard to stay away from social media, start training yourself. Tell yourself often that the most important thing is THE thing you're doing right now. Learn to control yourself.

Once you know you have common sense, make yourself use it all day long. Walk slower, breathe, make decisions about what you do with your mind and your body. Don't go around on automatic. If you do, the law of averages says that sooner or later you will be very sorry you did.

We're better than this....

We're better than this! read a bumper sticker on a car in front of me. It grabbed me. Made me say, "Yes. We are. I am." Even before I figured out than what? So on New Year's Day, when everybody makes resolutions, that might be a great place to start.

Here are some things I know I'm better than, and I REFUSE to bring them into 2017:

1. I'm better than getting annoyed about things over which I have no control. The other day my friend and I conferred about important things to put on our To Do lists. She offered one for me: "Remember what a good life you have." She's right. So when random things threaten to get on my nerves, I allow myself to focus on one of those wonderful things I have going for me, and move on.
2. I'm better than assuming that I know what's best for other people. When someone complains or commiserates, I can listen, but I must allow them to feel what they feel. Often I try to talk a friend or loved one into feeling better. But I'm reading Marianne Williamson's Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment. She suggests that we make the effort to understand what lessons our pain and distress can teach us instead of trying to escape them. And I agree. So my "fixing" conversations probably get in the way of other people's growth.
3. I'm better than planning poorly. There's no excuse for overcommitting and overfilling my calendar. I'm beyond rushing to accomplish ordinary tasks, sacrificing quality because I procrastinated, or feeling resentment because I said "yes" to something that should have been a "no."
4. I'm better than creating stress for myself. I'm busy, but focused and mellow. (That's the vision I want to hold of myself.) If I think before I speak or move in a direction, then I can cruise most of the time. Because we usually made the choices that led to the stress.

As usual, I come back to the same thing. Take time to know yourself, then honor what you know. Make decisions that feed your soul. You're better than being on automatic with your precious life.

   

If one advances in the direction of his own dreams.....

Last week my friend emailed me to say that my novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl was mentioned at a conference. I felt strange and excited and a little short of breath. The thing about writing, for me, is that it's such a solitary and self-reinforcing endeavor. I'm always working on my stories. They never seem ready for the world. When something is actually accepted, I immediately fear that it still isn't quite done.

Hearing about the mention meant the whole world to me because it felt like an "Atta girl" and success. Because success doesn't have to be defined as some grandiose thing. For me it's knowing that what I mull over and shape into fiction does, indeed, find a place in some other folks' lives.

When I have so many words and pages piling up in my computer and around my office, this part of my life sometimes seems half crazy. And I don't know about other writers, but my own family has never given much of a hoot about my work. To them, it's my hobby, and I imagine that they look askance at me when I prioritize it over something real. When Salt in the Sugar Bowl was released, my husband's co-worker read it and loved it and talked about it to him on the job. Nardo came home saying, "I've got to sit down and read it!" To make a long story short, he hasn't read it yet.

But I'm okay with that. I write because it's what I have to do to stay balanced and put voice to the ideas floating around my mind. So I'm blogging to say we need to keep on doing whatever we do that feeds our spirit and keeps us centered.

And who knows? Perhaps Thoreau's words may actually come to fruition for those of us toiling away, motivating ourselves simply because we know we have to:

If one advances in the direction of his own dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

Growing pains

from Webster's Dictionary

growing pains

 noun plural

: pains in the legs of children who are growing

: the problems that are experienced as something (such as a business or a project) grows larger or more successful

Love it! I think we're conditioned to avoid pain. We're a feel good society. We recoil when we get uncomfortable, but that second definition tells us that if we're going to have the life we want, we've got to have some discomfort. It's important to know the difference between the pain of unhappiness and that from venturing into deeper waters and uncharted territory.

I find that my growing pains are mostly emotional. I have worn grooves in my mind by responding to many things and challenges in the same way. For instance:

When I'm very busy and feel it in my body, I always start fearing what's going to happen to me. I get scared that I might get sick. I look for trouble. I lay in bed thinking about how much I have to get done, then start counting the days till the busy is all over and I can get more rest. I'm very busy right now. On top of teaching high schoolers, I'm stretching myself to conduct creative writing workshops and participate in public readings.

But, this time I'm going to do it differently! Instead of getting scared because my schedule is tight, I'm going to flip the script and get excited. Let's see what happens if I choose to let some little things go so I can get to bed on time. I'll plan with a bit more detail so I can keep calm and healthy.

The other alternative is to run from the growing pains, get through the rough part in a blurred funk and pretty much return to the status quo. I'm not saying we should run ourselves ragged. But if we have a vision for where we want to go in life, or we have a passion that we want to pursue, we have to find a place for it. The tricky part is adjusting the old to make room for the new. Of being uncomfortable enough for things to change shape and direction, for our lives to morph into something we haven't experienced before.

I think it might be the only way to grow into the next phase of our journey. We won't know how to get to the new if we can't endure the growing pains with the right attitude.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

And check my website for upcoming events.

Reorient yourself for a more peaceful existence

I've been writing so much these days that I decided to let these images speak for 

ways to stay peaceful and grounded.

Make decisions. Don't live on automatic. Always be mindful that the decisions we make reflect the power we have over our lives.

Face fears and dream. And they don't have to be big fears and dreams. They can be little ones-- like going to the movies by yourself once a month.

Be uniquely you. There's no perfect talent, size, fashion, or lifestyle. There's no one-size-fits-all lifestyle, so design your own.

Be tolerant. It really does take all kinds to make a world, and NOBODY is perfect.

© 2014 Quinn Dombrowski, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

Love yourself-- warts and all-- because only then will you treat yourself with the loving kindness that allows you to make decisions and behave in ways that uplift and enhance your life.

Authenticity in action

In an interview following Terry McMillan's appearance at Quail Ridge Book Store in Raleigh, I was asked what was the most remarkable aspect of the event. It didn't take me long to respond. It was definitely her authenticity. (See this great article about the event. http://www.midtownraleighnews.com/2014/07/13/4003017/midtown-muse-mcmillan-brings-fresh.html)

For me, authenticity stands out as one of the most important values a person can live by.
Why? Because many people with abandonment issues have a hard time with being authentic.
Why? Because so many people with abandonment issues are codependent-- which makes them people pleasers.

I took this quote from the  mental health America website: "Codependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to 'be themselves.'"

Key phrase: They find it hard to be themselves. 

We sort of live in a society of copycats. There are so many ways not to be authentic:
- jumping on the latest bandwagon--in opinions, style, desires, speech, interests
- pretending not to care when you do
- pretending to care when you don't
- playing to the crowd instead of coming from the heart
- following a blueprint when it comes to emotions because that's how you're supposed to feel

(These 21 Quotes on Authenticity spell out what it's all about.)

So back to Terry McMillan. With plenty of time for questions from the audience, it was priceless to see her personality in action, in public. There was no posturing. I couldn't detect any censoring. I got the sense she was digging into herself to answer honestly and clearly. She was so off-the-cuff: with her facial expressions, with the information she chose to share, even with what she chose to read (A child was asked to leave the room because what she read wouldn't be appropriate for young ears). Love it!

Why was this important to me?

As a writer, I needed/need to believe that there is no "formula." We now have access to TED Talks, bulleted How To lists, and resources to prepare us for any topic/situation we can imagine. The fallout: an era of continuous searching for the right way to do it (whatever it is). Don't get me wrong, information is great-- as long as it doesn't kill our ability to be spontaneous, to trust our own instincts, to friggin' wing it.

So it takes a certain level of chutzpah to know your craft, be prepared, and just be comfortable-- without affectations or gimmicks.

What's the benefit of authenticity? Removing the filter between who you are and how you do you. Because the only person who can really know and satisfy you is you. And that will never happen if you're two steps away from who you really are.

Me, introducing Terry McMillan on July 8, 2014 @Quail Ridge Books

By the way: If you're interested in learning more about book promotion and publicity, put this on your calendar:

• Join publicist Bridgette A. Lacy for her Book Publicity Boot Camp on Saturday, Aug. 2 from 9 a.m. to noon at Quail Ridge Books & Music. The three-hour session will cover how to create an Author Press Kit, A Social Media Strategy for Your Book and How to Build an Audience. For more information, visithttp://www.bridgettelacy.com/events.htm

• Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl today!

Read a review: www.tinyurl.com/mpsxpjd

When Sophia Sawyer walks away from her six children, she failed to realize that her absence will color their expectations long after their childhoods were over.

Does your device seduce you away from your kids?

In a recent review of my novella (http://aliceosborn.com/how-to-stay-grounded-after-abandonment/), author Jo Taylor wrote, "As a reader of Salt in the Sugar Bowl, you may feel anger toward parents who cannot maintain family life and yet sympathize with their circumstances, feel sorry for the dysfunction in the lives of the innocent bystanders." 

That, I believe, is the Catch-22 of parenting in our society. We understand why things get dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean we're okay with it. There are so many ways that children become pawns under seemingly harmless circumstances. Most parents love their children and would lay down their lives for them, still their daily habits and tendencies steadily deduct mental health points from their children's psychological banks.

As an example, I often get really annoyed when I see some parents and their little kids in public having supposed quality time, but the adults are more fixated on their devices than they are on their kids. Sometimes the kids are obviously an annoyance because they are distracting the adult from sending that text, or surfing the web, or posting whatever the hell is so much more important. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those devote-every-minute-to-your-kids people. To the contrary, I'm the grown-folks-need-time-and-space-to-be-grown-folks-apart-from-their-kids guru. 

What I truly believe though, is that in our extreme busy-ness, when we carve out time to do some kid-friendly things with our children, we have to force ourselves to show them we are interested in who they are, what they are doing, and what they have to say. That means turning off the device sometimes-- especially during these summer months with more time spent in parks, on beaches, at museums, street fairs, etc. 

Having been an adult for many decades, one of my pet peeves has always been, if I'm devoting some time from my schedule to spend time with someone (going out to dinner, being on a date, taking a walk, a drive, or whatever) and I'm talking to that individual, then I expect he or she is actually listening (or at least pretending to listen). When we're supposed to be doing something together, can't the device be neglected for a time?

So parents, put yourselves in the kids' shoes. If they're finding rocks or calling, "Look at how high I'm swinging," don't just glance up from your device and go, "Uh huhn." Pay attention for a few minutes. Self esteem begins with feeling acknowledged. Not having that feeling from parents is one of the many ways kids grow up with abandonment issues. The way you feel if your partner or date or mate gives a one-eyed glance and a grunt when you make an observation is what children feel when you wave a hand and say, "Go play!" as you continue your discovery of enticing new web content. Dismissed. That's the feeling.

And, for the record, having your little one pose for pictures is not quality time. It's the interaction that counts. (I'm actually a little afraid of what's going to happen to all these little kids whose whole lives have been photo opportunities.)

Okay, enough said on a Wednesday morning........ Am I being too harsh? (since those Smartphones really must be just too amazing).


FYI: Salt in the Sugar Bowl is still available! Get your copy for a quick summer read.
- In the Triangle? at Quail Ridge Books 
- Online: Main Street Rag Publishing Company or at amazon.com

Personal lessons about real freedom

So I've been through the personal hell of having a sick mother. Surgery, practically living in hospital rooms, the anxiety of not knowing what will happen next...... Nothing quite compares.

For someone with abandonment issues, going through such a situation is like going to emotional graduate school!

These are some things I've learned:

• I can't make an adult do what I want her to do, even if I think it's the absolute right thing.
• Working myself into a tizzy doesn't mean I'll get the results I anticipated.
• Life doesn't stop when a loved one gets sick.
• This is not the time to run out of vitamins.
• Superwoman is not an effective role for extended periods of time.
• No matter how independent I've been, there are times when a team works much better.

The biggest thing I've learned, however,  (which has freed me in a way I can't describe) is that I don't have the power to decide another's fate. For most of my life I have operated under the illusion that if I figure things out and do the right things, then I will somehow make a difference in the outcomes of others. 

Abandonment issues usually start when we are children, when we felt if we had done things differently, we would have held onto something. Or we felt if we could get control of things and/or people, we would be okay. People with abandonment issues, therefore, go through life trying to orchestrate circumstances in an infinite number of right ways to get the right responses. We make the best cheerleaders, gophers, hand maids, martyrs, etc. It's often a thankless task, and one can easily lose oneself in the process. 

Why is it thankless? Why is this way of being in the world not a good thing?

Because everyone has his or her own vision, needs, strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and desires. People have their lives and circumstances, and they don't belong to us. Many of us who've had abandonment issues are codependent-- which means we see ourselves as a solution even when we aren't. Our inner need to keep everyone safe, well, secure, etc., colors our ability to see the boundaries between ourselves and others. We jump into overdrive trying to make things work. We can miss all the signposts along the way.  

What are the signposts? 

- We simply aren't in other folks' immune systems.

- We don't control their intrinsic motivation.

- We are not privy to their emotional radar.

- We have no ability to see their lives from their unique perspective.

This crisis of being with my mother during this illness has taught me volumes. I am now much freer psychologically because I'm more in touch with where my power begins and ends. I am released from a fear that I haven't done enough to make things turn out the way I want/need them to. I've learned to  let life be-- knowing I'm not the one holding things in balance. There is a freedom in being willing to admit that I sometimes don't know what to do, and that sometimes there is nothing to be done. There is freedom in knowing that sometimes I just have to watch and wait.

It's a new and different perspective for the formerly codependent, abandonment guru.

Showing one face

September is my spiritual birthday. I pretend it's my actual birthday. I set goals and make resolutions. Maybe it's because school starts, and I was always a school person. And I teach. 

So as I approach my spiritual birthday, I want to publicly declare that I am better off than I've ever been. I feel healthier, more grounded, less anxious, stronger, more myself. This past few months of talking about my book and exploring the many faces of abandonment issues have made me more self aware-- in a good way. A core component of abandonment issues is not feeling okay, not feeling things are quite right. It's the "when this gets resolved" syndrome. "This" can be a job, a relative's dilemma, relationship, money issues, an illness, whatever.

But this summer I was all over the place, and after all this public outrospection, I get it. In the words of Popeye, I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam. My skin has grown thicker from being out of my comfort zone for five straight months. I've had to talk to strangers and "sell" myself. I've shared details about my life that I never considered public knowledge. I learned stuff I didn't want to learn (tweeting), and I had to do everything without getting to complain about how uncomfortable I was-- because it is all related to what I say I want out of life.

 I think what has happened is that I've finally merged my inner and outer lives. Sometimes we hide parts of ourselves. We shrink from our potential in order to stay safe, and we create a "face" for the public-- also to protect ourselves. Without even knowing it, we have subtracted something from both our private and public selves. Once I got the courage to put one shaky foot in front of the other, one day I noticed the footing was firmer.

So this is my advice:

Get the hell out of your comfort zone by accepting yourself as whole right here and now-- warts and all. Do what you can do with what you have. Then go forward like you're the hero of your life-- even if your legs feel like spaghetti and your heart is jello.

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl, a novella. Find out why Sophia Sawyer leaves her six children, and how those children fare as they try to live, love, and prosper as if their mother hadn't broken their hearts. Order today at www.mainstreetrag.com