We're better than this....

We're better than this! read a bumper sticker on a car in front of me. It grabbed me. Made me say, "Yes. We are. I am." Even before I figured out than what? So on New Year's Day, when everybody makes resolutions, that might be a great place to start.

Here are some things I know I'm better than, and I REFUSE to bring them into 2017:

1. I'm better than getting annoyed about things over which I have no control. The other day my friend and I conferred about important things to put on our To Do lists. She offered one for me: "Remember what a good life you have." She's right. So when random things threaten to get on my nerves, I allow myself to focus on one of those wonderful things I have going for me, and move on.
2. I'm better than assuming that I know what's best for other people. When someone complains or commiserates, I can listen, but I must allow them to feel what they feel. Often I try to talk a friend or loved one into feeling better. But I'm reading Marianne Williamson's Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment. She suggests that we make the effort to understand what lessons our pain and distress can teach us instead of trying to escape them. And I agree. So my "fixing" conversations probably get in the way of other people's growth.
3. I'm better than planning poorly. There's no excuse for overcommitting and overfilling my calendar. I'm beyond rushing to accomplish ordinary tasks, sacrificing quality because I procrastinated, or feeling resentment because I said "yes" to something that should have been a "no."
4. I'm better than creating stress for myself. I'm busy, but focused and mellow. (That's the vision I want to hold of myself.) If I think before I speak or move in a direction, then I can cruise most of the time. Because we usually made the choices that led to the stress.

As usual, I come back to the same thing. Take time to know yourself, then honor what you know. Make decisions that feed your soul. You're better than being on automatic with your precious life.

   

Casting the Dark Shadows Aside

Sometimes I think about something from my past that makes me cringe. I imagine most people have similar memories that make them want to cover their eyes and wish they could go back and undo that episode or chapter in their lives. 

When I was in my 30s, I spent a lot of time recovering from my 20s! :>) I had a scroll of regrets that shook my confidence and made me feel less than I should have. I didn't want to send out my stories--didn't want to call attention to myself for fear the past would creep up and bite me in the butt.

Then I realized everybody's got their own stuff. The self-centeredness of youth made me think my mistakes were of interest to anybody else. (Since I'm not a politician.) We all have our less-than-optimal moments: as children, students, lovers, spouses, parents, employees, siblings, and family members. Many of us have had our dark hours and wicked phases. 

Now and then I'll still have a random memory that makes me suck in my breath and wish I could take it back. But this morning I decided to embrace it all. Might be because I'm reading a LOT of good fiction, and good fiction introduces us to characters who show us all sides of their personalities and history. And that's what makes them come alive and makes us root for them.

So I challenge you to reconsider your dark shadows. To let them reside comfortably among the finer moments. To do so is to accept all of you--all parts of yourself. Last year I read Learning to Love Yourself: A guide to becoming centered by Gay Hendricks. It was the first time I'd encountered the notion of immediate acceptance of our flaws and mistakes as they happen. That becomes the way to truly meet your potential. Iyanla Vanzant is a perfect example with her boat load of hardships and a past that could've choked the life out of her.

I realize now that it makes perfect sense to accept it all. I have been a fool many many times, and I'm sure there are many more foolish episodes to come. But the energy spent regretting takes away the positive power from the moment I'm living.

Reorient yourself for a more peaceful existence

I've been writing so much these days that I decided to let these images speak for 

ways to stay peaceful and grounded.

Make decisions. Don't live on automatic. Always be mindful that the decisions we make reflect the power we have over our lives.

Face fears and dream. And they don't have to be big fears and dreams. They can be little ones-- like going to the movies by yourself once a month.

Be uniquely you. There's no perfect talent, size, fashion, or lifestyle. There's no one-size-fits-all lifestyle, so design your own.

Be tolerant. It really does take all kinds to make a world, and NOBODY is perfect.

© 2014 Quinn Dombrowski, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

Love yourself-- warts and all-- because only then will you treat yourself with the loving kindness that allows you to make decisions and behave in ways that uplift and enhance your life.

Authenticity in action

In an interview following Terry McMillan's appearance at Quail Ridge Book Store in Raleigh, I was asked what was the most remarkable aspect of the event. It didn't take me long to respond. It was definitely her authenticity. (See this great article about the event. http://www.midtownraleighnews.com/2014/07/13/4003017/midtown-muse-mcmillan-brings-fresh.html)

For me, authenticity stands out as one of the most important values a person can live by.
Why? Because many people with abandonment issues have a hard time with being authentic.
Why? Because so many people with abandonment issues are codependent-- which makes them people pleasers.

I took this quote from the  mental health America website: "Codependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to 'be themselves.'"

Key phrase: They find it hard to be themselves. 

We sort of live in a society of copycats. There are so many ways not to be authentic:
- jumping on the latest bandwagon--in opinions, style, desires, speech, interests
- pretending not to care when you do
- pretending to care when you don't
- playing to the crowd instead of coming from the heart
- following a blueprint when it comes to emotions because that's how you're supposed to feel

(These 21 Quotes on Authenticity spell out what it's all about.)

So back to Terry McMillan. With plenty of time for questions from the audience, it was priceless to see her personality in action, in public. There was no posturing. I couldn't detect any censoring. I got the sense she was digging into herself to answer honestly and clearly. She was so off-the-cuff: with her facial expressions, with the information she chose to share, even with what she chose to read (A child was asked to leave the room because what she read wouldn't be appropriate for young ears). Love it!

Why was this important to me?

As a writer, I needed/need to believe that there is no "formula." We now have access to TED Talks, bulleted How To lists, and resources to prepare us for any topic/situation we can imagine. The fallout: an era of continuous searching for the right way to do it (whatever it is). Don't get me wrong, information is great-- as long as it doesn't kill our ability to be spontaneous, to trust our own instincts, to friggin' wing it.

So it takes a certain level of chutzpah to know your craft, be prepared, and just be comfortable-- without affectations or gimmicks.

What's the benefit of authenticity? Removing the filter between who you are and how you do you. Because the only person who can really know and satisfy you is you. And that will never happen if you're two steps away from who you really are.

Me, introducing Terry McMillan on July 8, 2014 @Quail Ridge Books

By the way: If you're interested in learning more about book promotion and publicity, put this on your calendar:

• Join publicist Bridgette A. Lacy for her Book Publicity Boot Camp on Saturday, Aug. 2 from 9 a.m. to noon at Quail Ridge Books & Music. The three-hour session will cover how to create an Author Press Kit, A Social Media Strategy for Your Book and How to Build an Audience. For more information, visithttp://www.bridgettelacy.com/events.htm

• Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl today!

Read a review: www.tinyurl.com/mpsxpjd

When Sophia Sawyer walks away from her six children, she failed to realize that her absence will color their expectations long after their childhoods were over.

Clothes make the (wo)man

So we have dress-down Mondays at my school. It's a morale booster for staff and students. This past Monday the teacher across the hall from me noticed my flannel shirt, jeans and work boots. "That's you," she said. "That's your personality."
"How'd you know?" I asked.
"It's just you."
And she was right. It blew my mind that the two or three times I've worn flannel, jeans and workboots, she has said something similar. The truth is, if I had an Angie uniform, that would be it. When I wear that threesome, I feel able to meet any challenge. These have been my favorite, most frequent non-professional clothing items since my early twenties.

I'd love one in every color!

Maybe they fit me best because I'm a do-er: I garden, cook, write on benches and porch steps. Flannel and denim wash well, and it doesn't matter if I stain them. They still look and feel perfect (to me). It's sort of like the saying, when you have comfortable shoes, you forget you have feet.

Wearing this uniform makes the issue of clothing disappear because clothes say things about us-- androgynous, earth mother, nerd, soccer mom, glamour girl, preppie, whatever. If a label fits, we probably feel most comfortable when we're in this outer skin (clothing). When we wear  these things, we never wish we'd worn something else. We have that extra smidgeon of energy freed up to focus on whatever we're up to.

I don't know how or why this happens.

Maybe I'm more "myself" in flannel and jeans because my happiest, free-est childhood days were spent with my grandparents in the South. I wore a great deal of flannel back then, as did my grandfather who was definitely more like a dad than a granddad. Those were the days before they both died and I moved permanently back to New York, before abandonment issues became a running theme in my life. Maybe flannel and denim represent a simpler time-- before pain and fear colored the steps I took and the expectations I had about the world.

So in this society of rapidly-changing fashion statements: what's in, out, lame, hot, etc. I say find your uniform-- the things that not only make you feel good, but also represent "you" at your core. Wear it every chance you get, in as many variations as you can come up with. I plan to, because when I do, it's like a kid putting on the Superman cape.

So what's your uniform?

Check this out: This Sunday Cliff Bellamy wrote a great review about Salt in the Sugar Bowl for the "Books and More" section of the Durham Herald-Sun! http://www.heraldsun.com/lifestyles/books/x1385734997/REVIEW-A-saga-of-leaving-and-returning 

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl (Main Street Rag Publishing Company)
Available at www.amazon.com