The Politically Unpolitical

The other night at a reception, I had a brief chat with some folks about the disturbing nature of current politics. I'll confess that I've always been one of the least informed people when it comes to details about political engines.

Politics matter. I vote.  I hear what the media and reigning powers divulge. I feel I really never know the truth beneath any of it.  So I know my well-being can never be hinged on what's happening in the news.

I care. But I have to care more about my immediate energy field. Let's say I've just watched the news and gotten all the way pissed off by the perspective shared about some heinous situation with implications that far surpass the cursory, superficial treatment given. Say I ruminate and talk about it and manage to get others as pissed off about it as I am. Say I generate a small, impassioned, emotional revolution! Perhaps I spark a lively debate. At that point, I become exhausted with the generation of this whirlwind that simply spends itself out, and we go on about our lives-- with a little less oomph.

This is my take: There are many spirits who have powerful political energy who plunge bravely into community, local and broader trenches as leaders and change agents. Their passion for this arena actually generates positive energy because it's their calling, their raison d'être. They need the support of those like me as they find constructive venues for change-making. I can rally behind such folks. I can vote. I can be honest about how I feel about incidents and issues on the table. I can take the highest road I know to take. But it's clear that I need not huff and puff politically because I absolutely will not be blowing down any houses.

So, as I shared the other night, my personal political perspective is about impacting the space I'm in. In my opinion, we have more power in the world if we focus on how we treat the people we encounter and how we make them feel. If we are all wrought up-- even in our homes and communities, we become a little bit poisonous. Constant tirades with our husbands, wives, partners, children, siblings, coworkers or whomever we share our daily spaces will feed the brigade of road ragers, angry kids, rude service providers, unhappy souls. Our anger and frustration-- even over the injustices of politics, spread a pall that keeps the misery going. 

So I'm thinking the best thing I can do for the betterment of my environment is to aspire to be as peaceful, diplomatic, and forward-moving as I can be. I can write about the things that resonate with some element of truth. About how we interpret experiences, move beyond pain, find ourselves as we do the best we can to make positive personal history. I think that's the most challenging task at hand. Positive personal choices are hard, but they help our friends and enemies alike tap into the humanity that we share right here and now.

If one advances in the direction of his own dreams.....

Last week my friend emailed me to say that my novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl was mentioned at a conference. I felt strange and excited and a little short of breath. The thing about writing, for me, is that it's such a solitary and self-reinforcing endeavor. I'm always working on my stories. They never seem ready for the world. When something is actually accepted, I immediately fear that it still isn't quite done.

Hearing about the mention meant the whole world to me because it felt like an "Atta girl" and success. Because success doesn't have to be defined as some grandiose thing. For me it's knowing that what I mull over and shape into fiction does, indeed, find a place in some other folks' lives.

When I have so many words and pages piling up in my computer and around my office, this part of my life sometimes seems half crazy. And I don't know about other writers, but my own family has never given much of a hoot about my work. To them, it's my hobby, and I imagine that they look askance at me when I prioritize it over something real. When Salt in the Sugar Bowl was released, my husband's co-worker read it and loved it and talked about it to him on the job. Nardo came home saying, "I've got to sit down and read it!" To make a long story short, he hasn't read it yet.

But I'm okay with that. I write because it's what I have to do to stay balanced and put voice to the ideas floating around my mind. So I'm blogging to say we need to keep on doing whatever we do that feeds our spirit and keeps us centered.

And who knows? Perhaps Thoreau's words may actually come to fruition for those of us toiling away, motivating ourselves simply because we know we have to:

If one advances in the direction of his own dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

Happy isn't down the road....

A few months back I told my friend enthusiastically that I “might never actually retire.” I was referring to my teaching job. She thought I’d lost my mind. Never retire? For always, my ultimate goal had been to leave my day job so I could write full-time. A few days ago, with my lengthy summer vacation drawing to a close, she reminded me of my response—checking to see if sanity had returned. I love my time off, so I barely remembered saying such a thing. Never retire? What? So had I lost my mind when I said I might never stop teaching?

It dawned on me today just what happened! I’ve come to the place of  “acceptance” as a way of life.  Eckhart Tolle says, “Acceptance means: For now, this is what this situation, this moment, requires me to do, and so I do it willingly.” He goes on to say:

“When you make the present moment, instead of past and future, the focal point of your life, your ability to enjoy what you do—and with it the quality of your life—increases dramatically. … The ‘waiting to start living’ syndrome is one of the most common delusions of the unconscious state. Expansion and positive change on the outer level is much more likely to come into your life if you can enjoy what you are doing already. … Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.”

So my response had everything to do with fully accepting the here and now, the present. Without even realizing it, I had lost the low-grade frustration and discontent that used to crop up randomly and frequently. I finally embraced the notion that a happy life is not something that’s waiting up ahead for us once all our conditions are satisfied. We often think that once we make more money, get rid of that extra twenty pounds, get a new job, get into a relationship, get the kids raised, fix the roof, get that wart removed, retire, or whatever, then we will finally be happy. 

People can feel depressed, anxious, disappointed, and chronically frustrated because the present state isn’t living up to the ideas they have about themselves and their lives. Since (as I so often say) life is a journey, it behooves us to keep our dreams and goals alive, but know in our hearts that our lives are here and now. If you died tomorrow, you will have died waiting to get to “happy.”

I’ll quote Eckhart one last time:

“Don’t ask your mind for permission to enjoy what you do. All you will get is plenty of reasons why you can’t enjoy it. ‘Not now,’ the mind will say. ‘Can’t you see I’m busy? There’s no time. Maybe tomorrow you can start enjoying...’ That tomorrow will never come unless you begin enjoying what you are doing now.”

So even though this is the last official day of my summer vacation, my soul is very happy because right here and now I’m drinking coffee and blogging in my pajamas. 

Learning to walk away cause you can't change anybody but yourself

          I was 22 when I learned to walk away. I left a man sleeping. (We'll call him Jerry.) There was no hint of dawn’s first light, and all I could hear was my heart scraping and bumping with fear, excitement and motivation as I crept around, grabbed the bag I'd packed and released the knob slowly enough to avoid a click. I had found the gumption to put the craziness behind me. Too many arguments, too much struggling, too much tension about money and how to spend it. He'd blown one too many paycheck and had pushed for yet another What the hell? vacation. Because, according to Jerry, when you're already broke and already in debt, what the hell difference did another $1000 on a credit card make?

          I left because I was smart but powerless. We were engaged, but I knew I would not put a wedding band on my finger—binding myself to a life that made no sense to me. So month by month for a good two years, awareness grew like yeast rolls within me until there was absolutely no space left for blind adoration or senseless loyalty. So that morning I took the elevator down to "1" with a gigantic suitcase, a travel bag, and a backpack. I did not stumble or strain as I strode across the vacant lot, up the block, and around the corner to catch the 4:30 train. I did, however, cry the entire length of the ride.

          But by the time I stepped out into the Atlantic Avenue station, I had the first glimmer of awareness that brightened bit by bit until it became a fully-illuminated truth that I never question: You can't change anybody but yourself. It's a lesson that's best learned young because I think everybody learns it sooner or later. People show you who they are, and you'd best believe them. It will save you from stress, disappointment and wasted time. It's not about judgment or about who's right or wrong. It's about what works for you and what doesn't. 

          Jerry and I stayed friends, and I am grateful I had the courage to sneak out at dawn. It might be a coward's way out, but I knew I wasn't strong enough to stand up against the arguments and Jerry's charm. So, four things:

1) Pay attention to what people say and do;

2) Don't fool yourself into seeing and hearing what you want to see and hear;

3) You have to recognize when you and somebody are playing by totally different rules or sometimes playing two entirely different games; and

4) When you get off track, you need to know yourself well enough to plot a course back to your own life.

Why I think I'm reasonably sane inspite of many tumultuous periods & longstanding issues! :>)

I grew up in a rather communal setting. My mother, a brother, and a few of her sisters raised their families under the same roof. Today I reflected on a really valuable lesson that I learned in that setting. Although they were young women with jobs and full social lives, we were a house of routines.

Most weeknights, this is what we did:

• arrived home at different times
• an aunt or mom prepared an easy three- or four-course dinner as soon as she changed from work clothes into house clothes
• whomever ate but didn't cook cleaned the kitchen (I was always in this category.)
• turned off the kitchen lights and retired to the living room to relax
• took turns washing up, brushing teeth, ironing, talking on the phone (one bathroom, one house phone)
• watched a couple of sitcoms or a drama (Mod Squad, Kojak and Marcus Welby, MD come to mind)
• ran to get hair rollers during a commercial and did our hair in unison with individual mirrors on our laps (Each person had her own curler bag.)
• dispersed by 10 pm to our respective rooms.

The house went quiet.

No matter how nuts I may have been during various segments of my life, this has always been my sort of mindless, "go to" modus operandi. 

I won't belabor this point, but routines, if they encompass daily requirements for feeling and looking good, breed sanity.  When we don't have a system for taking care of the necessities, stress moves in. Fast! We have to eat, groom, bathe, clean up, etc. When these things happen randomly and haphazardly, it's like having perpetual buzzards flying above your head. When they are taken care of systematically, the buzzards just fly away, and you're left with the satisfaction of taking care of the details of your life.

So find a routine that works for you. Even with classes and sports and whatever comes, make a blueprint that lays out the order of the "must dos".

(Man, I feel like Heloise!)

Crippling care? To coddle or butt out?

My Lord! This is the season of hacking and stiffness, death and bugs. Recently I'm realizing how my energy effects others. When I worry, I come with a whole set of automatic behaviors. I ask a lot of questions. "Are you drinking enough water?" "Did you exercise today?" "Do you think you're ready to go out?" Are you taking care of yourself? I might bring vitamins and tea. I suggest some stretches. I hover and gauge how my "patient" is progressing. It feels like caring. But sometimes its effect can be annoying.

Jeeze. Why?

I stopped to consider this phenomenon after I picked up a "tone" from a couple of people I deemed to be in need of some TLC, some intervention attention. So I journaled and meditated and journaled some more. Then it hit me. There are a host of individuals who don't enjoy associating themselves with weakness, sickness or loss. While some like to revel in the attention that comes with being under the weather, others (myself included) do better with the personal space needed to be stronger, to grab one's bootstraps and plug along. Plugging along, for many, is the best medicine. Constant reminders of being in a weakened state can keep you focused on that weakened state.

With this insight. I backed off and stopped focusing on the "condition." I stopped asking all those questions and resumed treating individuals like whole people. Instantly, the tone changed. The energy got lighter and more pleasant.

So, yes, some people do enjoy the coddling. But be mindful of who you're dealing with and act accordingly. Sometimes care can be crippling.

Concern for others or fear for self?

I'm often the problem solver in my family and friends circle. When someone talks about an illness, a problem, a conflict, etc. my antenna rises, and my mind churns overtime. I can't count the hours that I've mulled over somebody else's hardship of the moment-- unable to rest until I'd shared some possible solutions.

Why? Because I love them. I want them to be happy and healthy and free of worry. I don't want anybody to fall into depression, sickness, or poverty, nor do I want them to give up. If I can't solve it, then I can at least be a cheerleader. 

But lately there have been rumblings in my soul that question my true intentions. I'm starting to suspect that my motivation may be less honorable than I'd imagined. There are actually two sides to my modus operandi. Yes I do love them, but the other side of that coin is fear for myself.

A while back, my close friend (We'll call her Nora.) was overwhelmed by being a single parent away from her home up north. She was a part of our close inner circle of parents who supported each other regularly by babysitting, sharing about issues, and getting together to socialize. Whenever Nora mentioned going back home, I ticked off a list of reasons why our little city was better for childrearing, education, travel, making a living, and making ends meet. She always felt better about where she was by the end of the conversation, but I now realize it was never resolved for her. Most of what I said was probably true. But the underlying impetus for my aggressive counterarguments was fear that Nora would leave. That I would miss her and her children. That my life would change in a way that I wasn't ready for.

So sometimes my investment in other people's problems might mask the question of What will happen to me? 

I now see that the answer to that question is What happens to me isn't important. 

WHAT??!!

It's true. Everybody gets to have their journey. They get to move, fall off the wagon, waste their money, eat lousy food, overmedicate, break the law, ignore their health, lose their minds. Whether I like it or not. My late night phone calls and amateur coaching does not spin other people's lives on a dime. 

I know that's true because I definitely reserve and protect my right to do whatever the hell I please. It's my life, and it really is nobody else's business how I live it. If I'm not hurting anybody, then so be it. 

My point: Having relationships means limited involvement in other folks' lives. Sharing opinions and advice when asked is natural and healthy. But ongoing input, observations and monitoring crosses the line. That veers into the realm of wanting what we want for that person. Question your motivation for being involved. Don't ignore the fact that there is a natural life process that requires gathering experiences, abiding one's consequences, revamping, reorienting--- learning.

Things will happen to others on their journey. Our true need is not to always interfere, rescue, invest. Because most of what happens is simply out of our control. Our personal job is to gather the courage to live with what happens along the way, so that we retain the energy needed to make sense of our own lives.

I'll reiterate a saying that I love: The best thing we can give to others is the example of our own life working.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

And check my website for upcoming events.

http://mainstreetrag.com/bookstore/product-tag/salt-in-the-sugar-bowl/

The cheapest cure ever!

I visited an old one at a nursing home yesterday. When I arrived, she was frazzled and agitated, rigid and fidgety. She could not be still and was the very picture of dis-ease. I, as a self-proclaimed jack-leg healer, had brought along a beverage. Old people are notoriously dehydrated. So I encouraged sipping, sipping, sipping until my watery, pomegranate concoction was gone. In minutes (and not very many) her eyes were brighter, she was smiling, and was pretty relaxed. She was responsive and still. It was REMARKABLE what a difference 12 ounces of nourishing liquid can make!

So as the media tries to scare us half to death with news of flus and viruses, I think the best thing we can do is drink, drink, drink our water (not soda and sugary stuff) until we're certain our tissues and brains are spongy with moisture. (There are a few conditions that limit the amount of liquids one can consume, so this doesn't apply to those who have them.)

So many naysayers I run across say, "I don't really like water to drink it like that."
My internal response: Oh really? I suppose you're just crazy about:

• constipation
• dry skin
• brain fog
• anxiety
• headaches
• dry mouth 
• fatigue
• and, oh yeah, increased tendencies toward dementia!!!!!!

Hmmmnnn......

Take it from me, hydration grows on you. And you can get enough healthy hydration from water, non-caffeinated herbal teas and liquids that don't have aspartame and sugar (Don't get me started on the evils of aspartame!).

So do your part to flush your system and pamper your immune system. I'm a witness of the miraculous transformation hydration makes. 

Growing pains

from Webster's Dictionary

growing pains

 noun plural

: pains in the legs of children who are growing

: the problems that are experienced as something (such as a business or a project) grows larger or more successful

Love it! I think we're conditioned to avoid pain. We're a feel good society. We recoil when we get uncomfortable, but that second definition tells us that if we're going to have the life we want, we've got to have some discomfort. It's important to know the difference between the pain of unhappiness and that from venturing into deeper waters and uncharted territory.

I find that my growing pains are mostly emotional. I have worn grooves in my mind by responding to many things and challenges in the same way. For instance:

When I'm very busy and feel it in my body, I always start fearing what's going to happen to me. I get scared that I might get sick. I look for trouble. I lay in bed thinking about how much I have to get done, then start counting the days till the busy is all over and I can get more rest. I'm very busy right now. On top of teaching high schoolers, I'm stretching myself to conduct creative writing workshops and participate in public readings.

But, this time I'm going to do it differently! Instead of getting scared because my schedule is tight, I'm going to flip the script and get excited. Let's see what happens if I choose to let some little things go so I can get to bed on time. I'll plan with a bit more detail so I can keep calm and healthy.

The other alternative is to run from the growing pains, get through the rough part in a blurred funk and pretty much return to the status quo. I'm not saying we should run ourselves ragged. But if we have a vision for where we want to go in life, or we have a passion that we want to pursue, we have to find a place for it. The tricky part is adjusting the old to make room for the new. Of being uncomfortable enough for things to change shape and direction, for our lives to morph into something we haven't experienced before.

I think it might be the only way to grow into the next phase of our journey. We won't know how to get to the new if we can't endure the growing pains with the right attitude.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

And check my website for upcoming events.

Organic vs. Inorganic

This is a departure from my usual, but life is big and whole, and there are no compartments. Everything informs everything else. And health is a HUGE part of everything-- what's going on in our bodies, how much energy we have, even our emotionalism. There's also lots of speculation and research about how even our food can poison us. I like the idea of eating organic, but organic gets expensive, and I will often grab whatever fruit and vegetable looks good and healthy-- even if it is laden with invisible pesticides.

I ran into this information by Andrew Weil, and found it helpful. I put it on my fridge.

This is what Dr. Andrew Weil had to say about choosing organic in his "Daily Tips" blog:

"I encourage everyone to enjoy these fruits and vegetables in organic or conventionally grown form:

•   Avocados

•   Sweet corn

•   Pineapples

•   Cabbage

•   Sweet peas (frozen)

•   Onions

•   Asparagus

•   Mangoes

•   Papayas

•   Kiwi

•   Eggplant

•   Grapefruit

•   Cantaloupe (domestic)

•   Cauliflower

Sweet potatoes

According to EWG, common growing practices make the crops listed below the most likely to contain higher pesticide residues:

•   Apples

•   Strawberries

•   Grapes

•   Celery

•   Peaches

•   Spinach

•   Sweet bell peppers

•   Nectarines (imported)

•   Cucumbers

•   Cherry tomatoes

•   Snap peas (imported)

•   Potatoes

Plus these which may contain organophosphate insecticides, which EWG characterizes as "highly toxic" and of special concern:

•   Hot peppers

•   Blueberries (domestic)"

So, this takes some of the mystery out of making some organic vs. inorganic choices. I happen to love Dr. Weil. And now, he's saving me money!

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

And check my website for upcoming events.