Concern for others or fear for self?

I'm often the problem solver in my family and friends circle. When someone talks about an illness, a problem, a conflict, etc. my antenna rises, and my mind churns overtime. I can't count the hours that I've mulled over somebody else's hardship of the moment-- unable to rest until I'd shared some possible solutions.

Why? Because I love them. I want them to be happy and healthy and free of worry. I don't want anybody to fall into depression, sickness, or poverty, nor do I want them to give up. If I can't solve it, then I can at least be a cheerleader. 

But lately there have been rumblings in my soul that question my true intentions. I'm starting to suspect that my motivation may be less honorable than I'd imagined. There are actually two sides to my modus operandi. Yes I do love them, but the other side of that coin is fear for myself.

A while back, my close friend (We'll call her Nora.) was overwhelmed by being a single parent away from her home up north. She was a part of our close inner circle of parents who supported each other regularly by babysitting, sharing about issues, and getting together to socialize. Whenever Nora mentioned going back home, I ticked off a list of reasons why our little city was better for childrearing, education, travel, making a living, and making ends meet. She always felt better about where she was by the end of the conversation, but I now realize it was never resolved for her. Most of what I said was probably true. But the underlying impetus for my aggressive counterarguments was fear that Nora would leave. That I would miss her and her children. That my life would change in a way that I wasn't ready for.

So sometimes my investment in other people's problems might mask the question of What will happen to me? 

I now see that the answer to that question is What happens to me isn't important. 

WHAT??!!

It's true. Everybody gets to have their journey. They get to move, fall off the wagon, waste their money, eat lousy food, overmedicate, break the law, ignore their health, lose their minds. Whether I like it or not. My late night phone calls and amateur coaching does not spin other people's lives on a dime. 

I know that's true because I definitely reserve and protect my right to do whatever the hell I please. It's my life, and it really is nobody else's business how I live it. If I'm not hurting anybody, then so be it. 

My point: Having relationships means limited involvement in other folks' lives. Sharing opinions and advice when asked is natural and healthy. But ongoing input, observations and monitoring crosses the line. That veers into the realm of wanting what we want for that person. Question your motivation for being involved. Don't ignore the fact that there is a natural life process that requires gathering experiences, abiding one's consequences, revamping, reorienting--- learning.

Things will happen to others on their journey. Our true need is not to always interfere, rescue, invest. Because most of what happens is simply out of our control. Our personal job is to gather the courage to live with what happens along the way, so that we retain the energy needed to make sense of our own lives.

I'll reiterate a saying that I love: The best thing we can give to others is the example of our own life working.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

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De-clutter

I have a cousin who has some kind of spatial gift. Whenever I enter a place that he has organized, I feel like I am breathing deeper, cleaner air. He is not a clutter person. He always has clear spaces and surfaces, and sensibly organized items. I am trying to use him as my model, because I am not a hoarder, but I can attract a lot of stuff that I don't quite have a place for. Stuff I sort of move around from one pile to another. Standing in a room with a pile in your arms wondering where to put it causes stress.

So I recently cleaned out my office. I was amazed by how much better it feels to have an empty shelf or two. It feel s like I have room to grow. I love it in here now.

These are some of the things I threw out:
- old magazines with articles that I thought I might read
- cords to old electronics
- books that are not of interest to anybody (at least not anybody I have access to)
- old Christmas cards (some that I received, and new ones too yellowed to send to anybody)
- a pile of clothes that I was going to repair that have gone out of style.

I'm sure you have your own list of things that can go right now, and you'll never miss them. So, get rid of it. Just pick it up and throw it in the trash. Now!

That is not my book case, but mine looked a LOT like that. But not anymore.