The Politically Unpolitical

The other night at a reception, I had a brief chat with some folks about the disturbing nature of current politics. I'll confess that I've always been one of the least informed people when it comes to details about political engines.

Politics matter. I vote.  I hear what the media and reigning powers divulge. I feel I really never know the truth beneath any of it.  So I know my well-being can never be hinged on what's happening in the news.

I care. But I have to care more about my immediate energy field. Let's say I've just watched the news and gotten all the way pissed off by the perspective shared about some heinous situation with implications that far surpass the cursory, superficial treatment given. Say I ruminate and talk about it and manage to get others as pissed off about it as I am. Say I generate a small, impassioned, emotional revolution! Perhaps I spark a lively debate. At that point, I become exhausted with the generation of this whirlwind that simply spends itself out, and we go on about our lives-- with a little less oomph.

This is my take: There are many spirits who have powerful political energy who plunge bravely into community, local and broader trenches as leaders and change agents. Their passion for this arena actually generates positive energy because it's their calling, their raison d'être. They need the support of those like me as they find constructive venues for change-making. I can rally behind such folks. I can vote. I can be honest about how I feel about incidents and issues on the table. I can take the highest road I know to take. But it's clear that I need not huff and puff politically because I absolutely will not be blowing down any houses.

So, as I shared the other night, my personal political perspective is about impacting the space I'm in. In my opinion, we have more power in the world if we focus on how we treat the people we encounter and how we make them feel. If we are all wrought up-- even in our homes and communities, we become a little bit poisonous. Constant tirades with our husbands, wives, partners, children, siblings, coworkers or whomever we share our daily spaces will feed the brigade of road ragers, angry kids, rude service providers, unhappy souls. Our anger and frustration-- even over the injustices of politics, spread a pall that keeps the misery going. 

So I'm thinking the best thing I can do for the betterment of my environment is to aspire to be as peaceful, diplomatic, and forward-moving as I can be. I can write about the things that resonate with some element of truth. About how we interpret experiences, move beyond pain, find ourselves as we do the best we can to make positive personal history. I think that's the most challenging task at hand. Positive personal choices are hard, but they help our friends and enemies alike tap into the humanity that we share right here and now.

Personal lessons about real freedom

So I've been through the personal hell of having a sick mother. Surgery, practically living in hospital rooms, the anxiety of not knowing what will happen next...... Nothing quite compares.

For someone with abandonment issues, going through such a situation is like going to emotional graduate school!

These are some things I've learned:

• I can't make an adult do what I want her to do, even if I think it's the absolute right thing.
• Working myself into a tizzy doesn't mean I'll get the results I anticipated.
• Life doesn't stop when a loved one gets sick.
• This is not the time to run out of vitamins.
• Superwoman is not an effective role for extended periods of time.
• No matter how independent I've been, there are times when a team works much better.

The biggest thing I've learned, however,  (which has freed me in a way I can't describe) is that I don't have the power to decide another's fate. For most of my life I have operated under the illusion that if I figure things out and do the right things, then I will somehow make a difference in the outcomes of others. 

Abandonment issues usually start when we are children, when we felt if we had done things differently, we would have held onto something. Or we felt if we could get control of things and/or people, we would be okay. People with abandonment issues, therefore, go through life trying to orchestrate circumstances in an infinite number of right ways to get the right responses. We make the best cheerleaders, gophers, hand maids, martyrs, etc. It's often a thankless task, and one can easily lose oneself in the process. 

Why is it thankless? Why is this way of being in the world not a good thing?

Because everyone has his or her own vision, needs, strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and desires. People have their lives and circumstances, and they don't belong to us. Many of us who've had abandonment issues are codependent-- which means we see ourselves as a solution even when we aren't. Our inner need to keep everyone safe, well, secure, etc., colors our ability to see the boundaries between ourselves and others. We jump into overdrive trying to make things work. We can miss all the signposts along the way.  

What are the signposts? 

- We simply aren't in other folks' immune systems.

- We don't control their intrinsic motivation.

- We are not privy to their emotional radar.

- We have no ability to see their lives from their unique perspective.

This crisis of being with my mother during this illness has taught me volumes. I am now much freer psychologically because I'm more in touch with where my power begins and ends. I am released from a fear that I haven't done enough to make things turn out the way I want/need them to. I've learned to  let life be-- knowing I'm not the one holding things in balance. There is a freedom in being willing to admit that I sometimes don't know what to do, and that sometimes there is nothing to be done. There is freedom in knowing that sometimes I just have to watch and wait.

It's a new and different perspective for the formerly codependent, abandonment guru.