Happy during a pandemic? What in the world?

Yesterday, my husband and I sat on the bank of the Roanoke River. In an instant, the breeze, the sun, the coffee hit me in just the right way, and I was BLISSFUL. In my heart, I was saying, It doesn’t get any better than this. Then an inner voice screeched: Wait a minute! There’s a pandemic! Race relations are horrific! And you’re this happy? What’s wrong with you?

July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. I realized I already know the answer to those questions I asked myself. There’s nothing wrong with me except that I’m getting healthier. I’m walking the walk instead of talking the talk. For years I was a marathon journaler. I would go deep into mental masturbation about a troubling situation and come out on as many sides of it as I could fathom. In no time, anxiety itched again—first just a little, then  it grew until there I was scratching furiously in my journal once more. 

Now I know, trouble comes, bad things happen, and there are a dozen horrific things I can latch onto and feel lousy about. Mental health happened when I stopped latching onto those things. 

I no longer nurse wounds and worry myself silly. What I do now is acknowledge what’s going on. Yes, there’s a pandemic. I’m never without my masks. I listen to Dr. Fauci. I carry hand sanitizer in a grapefruit scent that makes me happy when I use it. 

And yes, there’s racial tension up the wazoo. But I’m mindful of kind people of all races, and I believe kindness spreads. I send good vibes to protesters, and I interact honestly with whomever it makes sense to engage with about the topics of race, racism, bias—about what I know about being Black in this society for decades, and about how I believe we can move to a new and better place.

With all that going on, I’m still happy because things can always get worse before they get better. But as the old folks and the religious have been known to say, I woke up in my right mind and breathing on my own. If that’s the baseline, then I’m thriving. So I’d best tap into that good fortune and enjoy it while it’s here. Whether it comes as a great walk or talk with my husband or daughter or family members or friends, or a great meal and a good glass of red wine, or that the bumblebees are just having a party in my oregano bush, I’m down for it.

Perspective is everything. Things haven’t been great every day of my life. Every relationship has its dark spells. Then there was that season when my mother went down hill fast. There was a year when I worked so hard and under so much pressure that I prayed daily not to have a stroke before I found a new situation. And there have been plenty more…..

I believe a commitment to mental health involves making the best of what’s happening right now. It helps if we’re expecting (with fingers crossed) that it’s liable to get better. But it really is (I’d bet dollars to doughnuts) about seeing something good right where you are.

So I’ll go back to that previous paragraph and tell you what “being okay right now” looks like when life’s not so great:

-       When my relationship was in that dark spell, I listened to all this motivational stuff about releasing the past and opening my heart. And it worked; I felt gung ho and motivated one day at a time.

-       When my mother was going down hill fast, I started my day with a magnificent cup of coffee from this particular little shop—because I knew that was going to be the highlight of my day, and everyday needs a highlight.

-       When I had all that self-employment job pressure, I put myself on a tight budget and delighted daily in how much I didn’t spend because I was setting myself up to make less money. 

So I’m all about being blissful—even during these harried times, and I’ll take every opportunity to find something delightful. And don’t you be afraid to give yourself over to delight. It simply makes life better. And that’s what it’s all about. Being alive. Making the most of it. Raising energy. One deep breath at a time.

The Power of Prioritizing Passion & Pleasure

This week I had a remarkable AHA! It was after a magical evening among local booksellers, and Harper Collins representatives and their authors showcasing new books. Wine flowed and conversations about writing and stories and inspiration charged the atmosphere. The night encapsulated this phase of my life which is focused primarily on creative writing.

For more than six months now, I've been finishing my novel, gardening, and cooking with abandon--all things I love. Though I've been a writer since my teens, it's the first time ever that creative writing is my only job. For more than a decade, I wrote grants for education agencies and underserved communities; that was rewarding, but it didn't satisfy my creativity itch.

As for my AHA...

My friends know me as an epic journaler. Over the years, my journey has been peppered heavily with all manner of turmoil. Since I was a child, I've regularly (nearly daily) scribed multiple pages to unpack and analyze the angst--all captured in a literal trunk full of journals that have seen me through stuff. 

But recent seasons have generated a single journal with few entries that rarely fill a page.

I now realize that the major cure for what has generally "ailed" me for decades, is to write much and write consistently. It's my passion. It's what my soul craves.

Full-time writing is a luxury, I know, and people's lives are busy and chaotic. But I want to whisper humbly in your ears (because it's hard to hear such advice when the demands are endless.) If there's something burning in your heart, find a space to do that thing. It will soothe you in ways that nothing else will. Whether cooking, sewing, drawing, singing, reading, running, building, crafting, cycling, nurturing, volunteering, workshopping, or whatever it is the makes your body smile, do it.

To paraphrase author Louise Erdrich, let the dust bunnies gather and the plants go unwatered. Author Zelda Lockhart said when her child was young, she wrote in 15 minute clips, in the car between errands. Poet Lenard Moore, mentor to many of us, is relentless about writing everyday despite a loooooong daily drive to his teaching job.

So heal what ails you by making your passion your priority. Your passion is ultimately what will sustain you as your best self. We often say there's no time. But it can be found. Start by borrowing some from tasks that won't matter to your happiness & well-being.

Try some of these:

• Chat less. Let voicemail pick up.
• Time social media engagement so it doesn't gobble up hours.
• Skip shopping trips & useless meetings.
• Be more efficient at work, so you can get out earlier. (I was a HUGE procrastinator while teaching--which meant extra hours at the end of the day. Which meant, of course, that I had to journal about overcoming procrastination.)

Trust me. Pursuing pleasure by engaging in your areas of passion--for even minutes everyday, will do you unimaginable good. 

Most recent basket of journals...

 

Staying Present Isn't Rocket Science

Today I had a minor epiphany about staying present. The concept has become a critical part of handling stress and achieving peace of mind. It suddenly became clear to me that being present is actually making ourselves tackle the things that need doing that are right in front of us.

We've evolved beyond having to feed the chickens to keep them alive and us from starving, or harvesting our crops so they don't go to seed. So now we fail to see the urgency of handling mundane tasks on a daily basis.

In an era of convenience and incredible amounts of leisure time, we often find ourselves doing nothing important for a large part of our days. When we're channel surfing, watching random YouTube videos, scrolling through Snapchat or Facebook, what we're really doing is vacating. Too much vacating (even a couple of hours), and we've actually set ourselves up for stress and all kinds of problems in the near future.

How? Why?

Because when we're vacating, time evaporates, and we're not taking care of what's in front of us that needs doing. Things like....
Washing dishes
Folding laundry
Grading papers
Paying bills
Cooking
Writing
Studying
Reading
Playing with the kids
Communicating with other people in your environment
Working on a project

When we don't do these things as they arise, we screw things up because they pile up or suddenly should have BEEN done. Then we complain because we're all stressed out because:
the kitchen is now a wreck, and you don't have an hour to spend cleaning;
the laundry takes half a day or more;
the bills accrued late fees;
the health routine was blown eating cheap fast food;
the novel or article didn't get written;
the goal didn't get met;
the grading, shopping, reading, knitting, etc. didn't get done; and
the kids and spouse suddenly seem incredibly annoying.

What actually happened was we spent way too much time lost in TV land, cyberspace, or just farting around before we did the important stuff.

So staying present doesn't have to be as complicated as bringing our attention back to the moment and paying attention to our breath. It can start with looking around, getting up, and doing what needs doing. After that, we can vacate into cyberspace or TV land, and fart around as much as we like.

We're better than this....

We're better than this! read a bumper sticker on a car in front of me. It grabbed me. Made me say, "Yes. We are. I am." Even before I figured out than what? So on New Year's Day, when everybody makes resolutions, that might be a great place to start.

Here are some things I know I'm better than, and I REFUSE to bring them into 2017:

1. I'm better than getting annoyed about things over which I have no control. The other day my friend and I conferred about important things to put on our To Do lists. She offered one for me: "Remember what a good life you have." She's right. So when random things threaten to get on my nerves, I allow myself to focus on one of those wonderful things I have going for me, and move on.
2. I'm better than assuming that I know what's best for other people. When someone complains or commiserates, I can listen, but I must allow them to feel what they feel. Often I try to talk a friend or loved one into feeling better. But I'm reading Marianne Williamson's Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment. She suggests that we make the effort to understand what lessons our pain and distress can teach us instead of trying to escape them. And I agree. So my "fixing" conversations probably get in the way of other people's growth.
3. I'm better than planning poorly. There's no excuse for overcommitting and overfilling my calendar. I'm beyond rushing to accomplish ordinary tasks, sacrificing quality because I procrastinated, or feeling resentment because I said "yes" to something that should have been a "no."
4. I'm better than creating stress for myself. I'm busy, but focused and mellow. (That's the vision I want to hold of myself.) If I think before I speak or move in a direction, then I can cruise most of the time. Because we usually made the choices that led to the stress.

As usual, I come back to the same thing. Take time to know yourself, then honor what you know. Make decisions that feed your soul. You're better than being on automatic with your precious life.

   

Happy isn't down the road....

A few months back I told my friend enthusiastically that I “might never actually retire.” I was referring to my teaching job. She thought I’d lost my mind. Never retire? For always, my ultimate goal had been to leave my day job so I could write full-time. A few days ago, with my lengthy summer vacation drawing to a close, she reminded me of my response—checking to see if sanity had returned. I love my time off, so I barely remembered saying such a thing. Never retire? What? So had I lost my mind when I said I might never stop teaching?

It dawned on me today just what happened! I’ve come to the place of  “acceptance” as a way of life.  Eckhart Tolle says, “Acceptance means: For now, this is what this situation, this moment, requires me to do, and so I do it willingly.” He goes on to say:

“When you make the present moment, instead of past and future, the focal point of your life, your ability to enjoy what you do—and with it the quality of your life—increases dramatically. … The ‘waiting to start living’ syndrome is one of the most common delusions of the unconscious state. Expansion and positive change on the outer level is much more likely to come into your life if you can enjoy what you are doing already. … Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.”

So my response had everything to do with fully accepting the here and now, the present. Without even realizing it, I had lost the low-grade frustration and discontent that used to crop up randomly and frequently. I finally embraced the notion that a happy life is not something that’s waiting up ahead for us once all our conditions are satisfied. We often think that once we make more money, get rid of that extra twenty pounds, get a new job, get into a relationship, get the kids raised, fix the roof, get that wart removed, retire, or whatever, then we will finally be happy. 

People can feel depressed, anxious, disappointed, and chronically frustrated because the present state isn’t living up to the ideas they have about themselves and their lives. Since (as I so often say) life is a journey, it behooves us to keep our dreams and goals alive, but know in our hearts that our lives are here and now. If you died tomorrow, you will have died waiting to get to “happy.”

I’ll quote Eckhart one last time:

“Don’t ask your mind for permission to enjoy what you do. All you will get is plenty of reasons why you can’t enjoy it. ‘Not now,’ the mind will say. ‘Can’t you see I’m busy? There’s no time. Maybe tomorrow you can start enjoying...’ That tomorrow will never come unless you begin enjoying what you are doing now.”

So even though this is the last official day of my summer vacation, my soul is very happy because right here and now I’m drinking coffee and blogging in my pajamas. 

Stress-Free Weekend

What happens to me is this... I'm going along fine and feeling pretty decent. The better I feel, the more I feel like doing. I keep doing, doing, doing, and suddenly I don't feel so decent anymore. This usually leads to a feeling of being unbelievably overwhelmed.. to the point that I'm not feeling so clear about anything anymore. By the end of the week my head is buzzing.

My grounding tip... Go to bed. Get some rest. Forget fun. Forget obligation. Sleep till you get that pressed-down feeling in your bed, and even if life is happening all around you, don't get up till you know you've slept late. Then get up and move slowly. Really slowly. Don't get too far away from a chair or a bed. I did it this weekend. I feel sooo much better. It works.