If one advances in the direction of his own dreams.....

Last week my friend emailed me to say that my novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl was mentioned at a conference. I felt strange and excited and a little short of breath. The thing about writing, for me, is that it's such a solitary and self-reinforcing endeavor. I'm always working on my stories. They never seem ready for the world. When something is actually accepted, I immediately fear that it still isn't quite done.

Hearing about the mention meant the whole world to me because it felt like an "Atta girl" and success. Because success doesn't have to be defined as some grandiose thing. For me it's knowing that what I mull over and shape into fiction does, indeed, find a place in some other folks' lives.

When I have so many words and pages piling up in my computer and around my office, this part of my life sometimes seems half crazy. And I don't know about other writers, but my own family has never given much of a hoot about my work. To them, it's my hobby, and I imagine that they look askance at me when I prioritize it over something real. When Salt in the Sugar Bowl was released, my husband's co-worker read it and loved it and talked about it to him on the job. Nardo came home saying, "I've got to sit down and read it!" To make a long story short, he hasn't read it yet.

But I'm okay with that. I write because it's what I have to do to stay balanced and put voice to the ideas floating around my mind. So I'm blogging to say we need to keep on doing whatever we do that feeds our spirit and keeps us centered.

And who knows? Perhaps Thoreau's words may actually come to fruition for those of us toiling away, motivating ourselves simply because we know we have to:

If one advances in the direction of his own dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

Concern for others or fear for self?

I'm often the problem solver in my family and friends circle. When someone talks about an illness, a problem, a conflict, etc. my antenna rises, and my mind churns overtime. I can't count the hours that I've mulled over somebody else's hardship of the moment-- unable to rest until I'd shared some possible solutions.

Why? Because I love them. I want them to be happy and healthy and free of worry. I don't want anybody to fall into depression, sickness, or poverty, nor do I want them to give up. If I can't solve it, then I can at least be a cheerleader. 

But lately there have been rumblings in my soul that question my true intentions. I'm starting to suspect that my motivation may be less honorable than I'd imagined. There are actually two sides to my modus operandi. Yes I do love them, but the other side of that coin is fear for myself.

A while back, my close friend (We'll call her Nora.) was overwhelmed by being a single parent away from her home up north. She was a part of our close inner circle of parents who supported each other regularly by babysitting, sharing about issues, and getting together to socialize. Whenever Nora mentioned going back home, I ticked off a list of reasons why our little city was better for childrearing, education, travel, making a living, and making ends meet. She always felt better about where she was by the end of the conversation, but I now realize it was never resolved for her. Most of what I said was probably true. But the underlying impetus for my aggressive counterarguments was fear that Nora would leave. That I would miss her and her children. That my life would change in a way that I wasn't ready for.

So sometimes my investment in other people's problems might mask the question of What will happen to me? 

I now see that the answer to that question is What happens to me isn't important. 

WHAT??!!

It's true. Everybody gets to have their journey. They get to move, fall off the wagon, waste their money, eat lousy food, overmedicate, break the law, ignore their health, lose their minds. Whether I like it or not. My late night phone calls and amateur coaching does not spin other people's lives on a dime. 

I know that's true because I definitely reserve and protect my right to do whatever the hell I please. It's my life, and it really is nobody else's business how I live it. If I'm not hurting anybody, then so be it. 

My point: Having relationships means limited involvement in other folks' lives. Sharing opinions and advice when asked is natural and healthy. But ongoing input, observations and monitoring crosses the line. That veers into the realm of wanting what we want for that person. Question your motivation for being involved. Don't ignore the fact that there is a natural life process that requires gathering experiences, abiding one's consequences, revamping, reorienting--- learning.

Things will happen to others on their journey. Our true need is not to always interfere, rescue, invest. Because most of what happens is simply out of our control. Our personal job is to gather the courage to live with what happens along the way, so that we retain the energy needed to make sense of our own lives.

I'll reiterate a saying that I love: The best thing we can give to others is the example of our own life working.

Didn't read Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Order your copy today!  

And check my website for upcoming events.

http://mainstreetrag.com/bookstore/product-tag/salt-in-the-sugar-bowl/

Everything isn't for you: honing in on your own energy

I started this blog a couple of years ago because so many people seemed unhappy, stressed, nervous, and generally out of sorts. There's a lot of discontent these days, and there's also a sense of not knowing where to begin to make things better, different, more palatable. Not saying that I've got all my ducks in a row, but the thing about living a reflective life is that I'm always making adjustments to get grounded, back on track, calmer, etc.

So since this is the season of New Year's resolutions, I was reflecting on why stating resolutions seems to be merely a tradition that often falls by the wayside in a few days. These declarations don't ultimately address the underlying tension, stress, and anxiety that make pharmaceutical companies one of the most prosperous industries of our time. I believe this is because we get so much external input that we forget that we should be living from the inside out. I think we have to find ways to manage the amount of input that effects how we live our lives.

• Just spend an hour on the Internet and it is unquestionably clear that there are unlimited options available to us.
• If we're not tuned in to who we are at the core, way too many things seem like good ideas for us. This applies to everything from fashion to spiritual beliefs to diets to how we spend our down time.
• All those options can be major stressors because they are really just pulling us in various directions all day, everyday. Being bombarded with ads and images about what to wear, where to go, what to eat, how to look, can throw us into overload without realizing it. I read an article that referred to an Eastern European model who came to the U.S. and was taken to a superstore. She was so overwhelmed by all the choices that she passed out.
• Going in a number of random directions on a regular basis-- even if it's online, in stores, or in your mind, is wasting your energy and time. It also contributes to the feeling of dissatisfaction because we haven't used our time to do the things that are meaningful to us. 
• One of the strange things about the prevalence of social media is witnessing what others are doing in their lives. If a person isn't grounded in his or her own energy, it can lead to wishing, coveting, envying, comparing and a host of other counterproductive emotional responses. 

I bring all this up because this year I used my energy in some very concrete ways that made a positive difference. I identified the things that enhance my lifestyle and my way of being in the world. I accomplished more than I have in long time. Here's what I learned:

- Buying fancy and elegant things for anything other than occasional special events is a waste of my money. I am most comfortable in cotton, corduroy and flannel. The rest mostly hangs in my closet until it goes out of style.

- I'm not a traveler. I'm quite happy exploring and vacationing in familiar and short distance territory. No need to try and wrap my mind around "If I had the money, I'd go to....." cause really I wouldn't. And if I did, I'd be counting the days till I could go home.

- I'm low brow. There's no getting around it. I don't judge anybody for dropping a few hundred bucks at a five-star restaurant. But the truth is, I'm thrilled with a plate of wings and a glass of cab. Thrilled! And sometimes I get a second order of wings because the first batch was that good.

- A lot of entertainment isn't that entertaining for me. I'm not into plays and the opera, cruises, or elaborate celebrations to commemorate milestones. I'm happiest when I have the option of keeping it simple.

- I need quiet time. If things have been hectic-- whether with work, readings, or family activities, I must choose to stay home alone and regroup.

Acknowledging these things as my sort of baseline for living empowered me. It took a bunch of options off the table. So I offer this as a strategy for starting the new year: Until we figure out our true likes, dislikes, values and preferences, we spend a lot of time desiring things that wouldn't be that satisfying if we had them. Knowing this helps in how we choose our mates, how we spend our money, how we make small and large decisions.

At some point we can stop trying on options and accept some basic facts about ourselves. We can stop chasing fantasies and focus on living according to our truths. In so doing, we find ourselves with more resources and power for engaging in the pursuit of meaningful goals and activities.  

This is entertainment for me!