Living beyond the phases of our lives

When I was younger, I was wild as weeds. Truth be told, there were times I partied so hard that I would awaken not knowing if it was dawn or dusk, without a clue what day it was. After I became a parent, I reeled it in quite a bit. Then most of my play  was done with other parents-- and we had kid-friendly environments where the children entertained themselves, while we grown ups did our thing in other parts of the house. When I was self employed, I learned even more about balance. I had to work sooooo hard for long stretches, and I was bleary-eyed for weeks and sometimes months at a time-- going through life like a machine. When I finally had some down time,  I played pretty hard (but not nearly as hard as the "what day is this?" years).

Now I'm in the I've got to work and I've got to write phase of my life. Which pretty much means, I am involved in some form of work for a majority of my waking hours. Even my entertainment involves work-- going to open mics and reading my fiction. Going to writing venues and learning and sharing with other writers. My world has narrowed, and I absolutely LOVE the box of work as play as work cycle I'm in.

BUT THE WORLD IS SO MUCH  LARGER THAN OUR BOXES!!!!

So last night at the community party, I told my friend how rigid I'm starting to feel. That I have to make myself get into the mood for a lot of things that, quite often,  don't seem worth the effort. I have a hard time drumming up excitement about the stuff of  life in general-- if it doesn't have anything to do with my work as play phase.

So I mused about it. And this is what I think: Life is a series of phases. As we go through each phase, be aware that we won't always be whomever we are at the moment. The world is HUGE, and our choices are infinite. So I think it's important that we stay flexible enough to be all right with the whole world as we encounter it at any given moment (as long as nobody's getting hurt). We need to let our minds sort of loosen up and be-- without thinking, judging, or interpreting how everything sits with us in relation to the phase we're in. Because all kinds of people, holidays, professions, opinions, celebrations, experiences, and occasions are the ingredients of a rich life.

Last night, at the party, there was a woman of my mother's generation,  while most were  a couple of decades younger than she. She was relaxed and natural, conversed with the guests, and really seemed to enjoy herself. She, I believe, is a model for me and how I want to approach life. We must do what we must within our boxes, but being a happy human means appreciating and participating in the world as it happens. Otherwise we paint ourselves into tiny little corners that are hard to move out of. And as we age, it will be harder and harder to experience the spontaneous joy available to us. If we get too attached to judging and nitpicking about what we want and don't want to do, believe in or don't believe in,  are comfortable or uncomfortable with, we may create a habit of counting ourselves out of the many games of life.


This picture is entitled "Lonely." As we go through our phases, embrace more of life-at-large, so we are always living  beyond our narrow margins.



Thank God for the rescue squad!

For a long time I worried about other people all the time. I worried about myself too, but I had the worries of others lodged deeply in my spirit. I began to worry that if I died, pictures of other people's lives would flash before my eyes. Whenever I left a lover, I worried about how he'd fare without me, so I would leave behind the things I loved-- things I thought would help him make it through. That sounds pretty arrogant, but life taught me early that I have what I need to handle whatever life brings. I always know I will  be okay-- even if I have to part with some things along the way. That's how I know I'm a warrior.  I have started my life all the way over four times.

This all crossed my mind this morning, and it dovetailed with a thought I had yesterday while driving down the street and a firetruck whizzed by me.

People are stronger than I have given them credit for being. The same resources I have in my spirit reside in them; they just have to decide to use them. Their lives are not made better by my concern. They are made better by choices they make. No matter how much we love and care about another person, we will never control their minds, and therefore we will never control their lives. So when you're troubled and frazzled because you are worried about friends, lovers, husbands, wives, even children and parents, remember, you will never live their lives for them. And being a martyr will never make your life any better.

So my tip on this chilly Saturday morning, is to live your life. Be the (peaceful) warrior you need to be to make a good life for yourself. And do what you can for your loved ones within reason, because things can definitely get out of control for people. And when they do, know that you can't save them. Just thank God for the rescue squad!

Keeping your energy level high when you're so tired you could drop

People are tired! Life is so busy. Sometimes I want to think that nobody could possibly be as tired as I feel on a given day. Then I ask myself if I'm serious. There are people with five kids and a full-time job, so I pull myself together. That's when I sort of tap into my intuition and ask my body what it needs to keep going. It will usually tell me. This is our State Fair weekend, so on top of everything else-- writing, laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking, there is also walking through miles of thousands of people inching their way through the deafening sounds of tractor pulls and bullhorns, and rides, and the screams of terrified and elated children for several hours. (Because going to the fair is not an in-and-out kind of party).

So I ask my body and it says, "Fish head stew and greens." So I comply. I go to my fish market and buy a salmon head and stew it with onions, garlic, thyme, lime, and cayenne peppers and scallions from my doorstep garden. I steam a pan of kale. Yes, it's a bit slimy, but it has the absolute highest vibration food wise, and my body seems to grow lighter and calmer as I get to the end of the bowl. (That's my pot of stew in the picture.)

Bottom line is, I made it through the fair. We got home at midnight; I was in bed by 1 a.m. Now I will have a small bowl and head down to see Maya Angelou get inducted into the North Carolina hall of fame.

So my energy-raising tip is to ask your body what it needs. Then respond to it!

Education, diversity, and harder to teach children

I just finished a great week of teaching. We're a month into the new semester, so now the students are familiar with their teachers,  the environment, and their classmates. I teach at an alternative high school in which a majority of the students are Black or Latino, with fewer than a dozen White kids. When many new students come, they believe they are coming to a school for bad kids. Sometimes this makes them bring a bit of attitude because they believe they're coming into a survival of the fittest arena. What they bring more than anything is the brutal fallout of inadequate and inappropriate educational and life experiences, because inside, they are just like other teenagers.

Diversity is a strange thing. It works if people are comfortable with the traits and dynamics that all members of the population bring. It is the path to hell when the traits that participants bring go against the expectations that have been set beforehand. My former school superintendent, Lester W. Young, Jr., always said (and I paraphrase), "Schools should be able to adapt and change in order to respond appropriately to the children that come through their doors; the expectation shouldn't be that the children will change in order to fit into the school building." So when students, through a generally long and torturous road, find themselves at our high school, most usually feel accepted for who they are for the first time in many years (if ever).

• Many of our kids are a bit tough, but often they and their families have really been through some things, and are still going through them. I have foster kids, homeless kids, and kids who live independently.
• Many are not friendly up front, and can be downright rude, but they have often been rejected, dismissed, ridiculed, and left behind in a lot of classrooms-- and they are expecting the worse from their teachers.
• Some don't listen very well, and that's because many have been taking care of themselves and their siblings for a while, or have been dismissed because they themselves haven't felt listened to or heard because they don't speak standard English, or have the right tone of voice.
• And some can honestly be called mean as snakes, but that's because they are angry as hell because of what has happened in their young lives, and oftentimes teachers have been part of their daily misery. But it's hard to know and understand the "big picture" when there's a whole classroom full of personalities needing attention.

So they find themselves in our school because they don't fit well into the mainstream setting as it is generally constructed. But they are not the losers that they and many others will peg them. And many have been pegged losers since third grade when they couldn't pass the mainstream tests, and haven't been quite considered normal since.

But I had a great week because this is the time in the semester that the students know that I really do accept them for who they are, and I want the best for them. Most have fallen into the habit of working hard for me, and I have created a safe environment where some will begin to struggle and read aloud, and stumble over words that children 8 or 9 years younger can breeze through; and I dare anybody to make them feel less than courageous and hardworking. In such settings, the gap finally begins to close because they are met where they are, and they feel better about themselves as students. Some let their brilliance show for the first time because they can bring their whole selves with them--especially their unique perspectives.

There are a lot of grey areas in education, but my tips are really for people who work with children and young adults. Try very hard to like them and connect with them. You never know what they are going through and who they really want to be inside. Think of how it is in a large family where each child has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses, good and bad points. The parents' job is to juggle the responses and see with a large and ever-trolling eye. It's a juggling act, but that is the important and bottom line work of it.

Health detective: Beware!

So this morning I take my supplements, and have my morning green drink, and I'm good to go. I get to school, and my neighbor and I have a lively philosophical chat. The bell rings and I take my post outside the door. Seconds later I feel like I'm going to faint. Literally like I will pass out if I don't sit down IMMEDIATELY. I never feel dizzy, so this is scary.  So I tell my other neighbor. She follows me with concern as I hold onto the wall and make my way to a seat!!!!! I'm afraid to stand up!

Things go through my mind! Am I having a STROKE! Is my blood pressure HIGH? Am I having a HEART ATTACK????!!!!  The students come in and I can't hover and traipse through the classroom as I usually do. I am dizzily confined to my DESK! I make it to the bathroom... holding on to make sure I don't collapse! I Google stroke and heart attack. I don't seem to be having either. I make an executive decision!To go home. The last thing I want is to pass out at school and be carted off to the hospital. So I go home an hour after arriving.

I drive home slowly and carefully (only 8 minutes away) and go to bed. I'm groggy and heavy-eyed, and I wonder how long I will be in this unfortunate state!

Fast forward! I am a supplement devotee. I can say with sincerity that vitamins and supplements have changed my life and kept me alive. My entire physiology has changed dramatically with the nourishment of vitamins and herbs.

So then I'm lying woozily, sleepily on the sofa, a little worried-- when I remember that I took the herb valerian this morning. Just because it happened to be on the counter, and who doesn't like to be calm? But there's also valerian in my new vitamin B complex. AHA! I had taken a strong dose of a supplement best taken in the evening! And I only take it at night if I'm really really busy and stress levels are high!

I was actually herbally over-sedated! Were I less "alternative" I would have rushed to the emergency room and submitted to a battery of tests. And had it been someone less alternative, I'd think they were crazy NOT to be in the emergency room submitting to a battery of tests.

So all is well now. Still a bit groggy, but I'm not dizzy, and I'm in no danger.

My advice....Be careful, because herbs and supplements are wonderfully powerful, so know the right dosage and cross-check what's in different formulas! And know yourself to the extent that you can be a health detective-- empowered to make decisions that are best for you.

De-clutter

I have a cousin who has some kind of spatial gift. Whenever I enter a place that he has organized, I feel like I am breathing deeper, cleaner air. He is not a clutter person. He always has clear spaces and surfaces, and sensibly organized items. I am trying to use him as my model, because I am not a hoarder, but I can attract a lot of stuff that I don't quite have a place for. Stuff I sort of move around from one pile to another. Standing in a room with a pile in your arms wondering where to put it causes stress.

So I recently cleaned out my office. I was amazed by how much better it feels to have an empty shelf or two. It feel s like I have room to grow. I love it in here now.

These are some of the things I threw out:
- old magazines with articles that I thought I might read
- cords to old electronics
- books that are not of interest to anybody (at least not anybody I have access to)
- old Christmas cards (some that I received, and new ones too yellowed to send to anybody)
- a pile of clothes that I was going to repair that have gone out of style.

I'm sure you have your own list of things that can go right now, and you'll never miss them. So, get rid of it. Just pick it up and throw it in the trash. Now!

That is not my book case, but mine looked a LOT like that. But not anymore.

Me First!

For the past two weekends, I have gotten sooo much done that I wanted to. I've written a mini-story, updated (though I'm not finished) my website, learned all this crazy technology stuff that was hard for me to fathom! I'm thrilled.
I 'm thrilled because I did this even though everything else wasn't done.

It feels absolutely wonderful to take care of all this because no one is going to say, "Angie, just stop and spend some time on these things that are so important to you, but that you can't seem to fit in because you're always so busy doing other stuff!" Never in a million years is anybody going to tell me that. (Keep reading below this terrific picture!)


This (and other similar housebound scenarios)is now only part of my weekend.

Soooo, I've gotten better at integrating my artist stuff into my schedule and actually sticking to it! I feel terrific, and when I feel terrific, I'm more pleasant. When I'm more pleasant, I get along better with everybody. When I get along better with people, they are kinder and more helpful. When people are more helpful, I have more energy to do all kinds of thinking and writing, and fun stuff. Sooo, life works better all around when I make time to do the things I want to do. Try it!

Think first and save yourself some grief

I almost hit a little dog this morning. The dog's "mom" was down the street clapping her hands-- wishing him back, I suppose, while he ran cowering down the street in the opposite direction. Other cars had to stop as well to keep from ending this small dog's life. I have often seen two or three children playing with this cute little yorkie as he ran UNLEASHED across their front yard.

I was annoyed by this woman. This isn't the first time I've seen it galloping toward the street while they frantically call its name. If someone had hit their dog, she would be crying, the kids would be devastated, and probably, judging by most pet owners (I don't have a pet), they would have to mourn a family member's death. It certainly would have ruined my day had I run it down in dawn's first light! IF it had happened, it would have been avoidable by simply putting a leash on the dog. Traffic goes through continually, and a dog is not a person. Dogs chase squirrels and cats and whatever motivates their little doggie minds. Hopefully she has learned her lesson, because the little dog's days may be numbered otherwise.

So my stress busting tip is this: Do the simple, everyday thinking that will save you some grief in the long run.

Don't let this happen to your little furry friend!

Remembering how strong we really are

Lately I've been thinking about how strong we are. Sometimes we forget-- especially if  facing an illness, unemployment, horrible bosses, unruly children, overdue bills, crumbling relationships, a busted boiler, leaky plumbing or whatever the challenge of the moment might be. Sometimes we feel like our heads will explode from the stress.

But I recently thought about our ancestors. Our inner strength runs so much wider and deeper than we remember. This is no warm fuzzy blanket I'm offering, but I want to point out that most of our problems can/must be handled calmly, one step at a time, and with a clear mind. Many of our ancestors survived the Middle Passage, the Holocaust, wars, lived in harsh and often hostile environments filled with violence, poverty and sickness. Many ran away from horrendous conditions not knowing where they were headed. Individuals lost their entire families. Children have fed and clothed their siblings. And there are so many stories of such survivors-- in the far and recent past, who not only survived, but thrived.

So my stress relieving tip is to put whatever you are dealing with into a broader perspective. Yes, things aren't necessarily the way you want them to be, but most times, they aren't nearly as horrible as they could be. So keep your cool, and breathe-- breathe deep and slow. Do it enough times to calm yourself down. Don't let your mind fool you into thinking that you don't have what it takes to get through the problem of the moment. Remember how strong you actually are-- inside. Then plot a course-- step by tiny step toward a solution.

Anxiety as a positive.....

I have always dreaded the feeling of anxiety. I hate the tension, the shallow breathing, the sweat beading on the tip of my nose, etc. That feeling crops up when I have to do things that push me out of my comfort zone. Anxiety makes me want to avoid certain situations.  

In any culture, we will meet with rejection and various biases: sexism, racism, gender bias, age-ism, etc. When we go out into the world or engage in different interactions, we often anticipate what we are up against, and we feel anxious. But creating a life that we want requires moving ahead in spite of .......

This week I've been reading Thomas Hora's Beyond the Dream (one of my favorite books in the world http://www.pagl.org/excerpts.html). This is what Dr. Hora writes about anxiety:

"[Anxiety] is actually just a heightened state of alertness, connected with an anxious desire to succeed in some project. Therefore it is actually healthy to be anxious. We can say, it is all right to be anxious as long as we are not timid. Timidity is a fear of appearing anxious, and it gives rise to a desire to stifle and cover up the anxiety. Anxiety can be accepted as something positive, and timidity can be refused as something cowardly, unproductive, and self-indulgent. Timid people often blame anxiety for their suffering, but if they realize that the [enemy] is timidity hiding behind anxiety, then they can simply refuse to be timid and the whole problem disappears. Therefore, we can say that it is all right to be anxious as long as we are willing not to be timid."

I love a choice! I now choose courage and productivity, and I release timidity.

That may be easier said than done, but I believe hard things are doable when we have the right mindset. Refuse to be timid because who else can represent you in this world?

TIMID: easily frightened; lacking self-confidence, shy