It feels like the feeling might kill you.

I can't watch the Budweiser Clydesdale commercial without tearing up. My heart catches on a sharp and familiar feeling. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuAAXCOUH6Q

The man raises the horse from infancy-- training her as a Budweiser Clydesdale. This short mini-movie commercial hits on so many of the emotional hotspots of those who have experienced abandonment:

• There's the watching the truck come to get her. I feel a tug in my solar plexus. 
• There's watching him wave goodbye. I'm feeling warm. 
• There's the sitting alone at the table with a beer knowing the loved one is out there somewhere-- without you. 
• There's the climax! The hopeful anticipation of reconnection when the Clydesdale comes back to town.
• Alas! There's that momentary flatline of unfulfilled expectation when the horse passes him by without a sideways glance. 
• Then there's the resolution! The blissful relief when the man sees the horse come galloping after him, returning at last. He gets to have the tender moment when he knows he has not been forgotten, that he has not lost love!

My heart swells with gladness that the abandonment is undone! That our separations can result in reconnections and requited love. And all's well that ends well.

But that's why television and Madison Avenue hook us.

That's why I could watch this commercial over and over, and probably tear up at all the right places-- every single time. I know the feeling of missing and wishing for different outcomes, and all that fallout from separations. They've got my number!

But my point here is not to have a Budweiser and drown your sorrows, or to keep hoping that those who left will come rushing back, or that you will be reconnected with the dead, or that you should keep waiting for the happy ending.

My point is that our emotions and hurts may not ever vanish altogether, and they may resurface at the most unexpected moments for the rest of our lives. I'm here to testify that all that raw emotion can tear us all to pieces when we find ourselves in the friggin middle of our issues.

BUT!

There is not a feeling that we can experience that will actually kill us. It just seems that way. We must remember to feel it, acknowledge it, reel from the discomfort of it, then work our way through it.

My novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl is like an abandonment manifesto! Sophia Sawyer walks away from her six children and never looks back. Each chapter visits one of her adult children to see how the separation impacts on how they live and love. Available from Main Street Rag Publishers, at www.amazon.com, Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh, select Barnes and Noble stores. Inquire at your local bookstore.

The you beneath the surface

I'm excited because tomorrow (3/9) I get to talk about abandonment issues and being authentic at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh. It's a cool and cozy indy bookstore that has great book talks that promote thought and discussion.

http://quailridgebooks.com/event/saltinthesugarbowl

One theme that runs through my novella, Salt in the Sugar Bowl, is that in our media-obsessed era, people can easily lose touch with their true selves. We change ourselves trying to be who we think we should be, who others will deem attractive-- all the while sabotaging our chances of being accepted for who we really are. Because if we alter ourselves trying to fit the images we see, then that's false advertising. Adorning ourselves is one thing, but recreating ourselves according to false standards is another thing all together. We must always remember:

We are not our hair, nails, and makeup.
We are not the car we drive.
We are not the job we have.
We are not the house and furnishings.

We are something much deeper, elemental, and unique. Unless those qualities are shining through, and unless the adorning is reflecting that core person, we haven't laid a foundation for a satisfying life. All the glitz, glamour, fantasies and showcasing are just the surface. No wonder so many relationships and marriages are tremendous disappointments. It's like thinking you're sticking your spoon into a bowl of refreshing ice cream and find it's whipped butter. Nothing wrong with either one, but it wasn't what you wanted or expected.

Salt in the Sugar Bowl is available at Barnes & Noble, Cary, Barnes & Noble New Hope Commons in Durham, and at Quail Ridge Books. Or you can order your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl at amazon.com. It's also available from the publisher, Main Street Rag.

Read a review: http://www.heraldsun.com/lifestyles/books/x1385734997/REVIEW-A-saga-of-leaving-and-returning

Supporting your short term self versus your long term self

Humans of New York's photo.: 

"I wish I'd partied a little less. People always say 'be true to yourself.' But that's misleading, because there are two selves. There's your short term self, and there's your long term self. And if you're only true to your short term self, your long term self slowly decays."

Now that there is the truth! That's why I'm up doing my job before my job to catch up for all the time I spent partying when I was younger. And some of it was worth it, but a lot of it was me just acting out my "issues." Young'uns, take heed!

It behooves us to reflect on what we love and why we love it, and spend some quality time developing ourselves in that direction. Partying is fun and all, but it's not a whole life. A whole life is about balance. Satisfaction is about feeling in balance. There's a lot of satisfaction to be had from working through those issues that make us want to just party all the time. My issues were about escape. I had a lot of residual pain from experiencing too much death and separations in my early life. I kept moving, kept living for a good time (that usually wasn't all that good, but what was supposed to be fun), and being pretty half-assed with reaching my goals. And I was smart, but not committed. Had goals, but not enough discipline. 

So I want to just say you're never too young to learn about commitment to reaching your goals and cultivating the discipline to reach them. It might even be part of the prescription for overcoming those issues because it'll make you feel so good about yourself.


Come to my Salt in the Sugar Bowl book talk at Quail Ridge Books & Music, Raleigh on Sunday, March 9th at 3 pm.

Acceptance: You'll be done when you die

I've been busy. I get up early to do what I call my job before my job. I write and I teach. I also promote my novella; otherwise it will sit on shelves gathering dust instead of broadening the discussion about abandonment issues and self-awareness-- which I contend are critical to our well-being in a very complicated society. So now it's like I have three jobs. But this isn't just my situation; so many people have alarmingly busy schedules:

- Teaching, tutoring, and raising kids
- Teaching full-time day school followed by college courses in the evening
- Commuting two hours to teach, followed by writing, submitting, & reading other people's work
- Working out of town and returning on weekends to carry out all the necessary domestic duties
- Working several part-time jobs to make ends meet
- And if you're in a city-- driving to the ferry, riding across the water to board a subway (I did this for years!)

The scenarios are endless!

A few weeks ago, I was in low-grade panic mode, sort of scaring myself about all that had to be done and feeling overwhelmed.

Then I started to meditate.

Something dawned on me: It's how we approach it that matters. There are only so many hours in a day, so at some point we just have to go to bed. When we get up, most of what we have to do is still there. So we begin again. And that's the rub.

It's like we are programmed to think that we should hurry up and finish so we get to this period of blissful, open-ended, smooth sailing. Not so. This is life. Busy. Too much in it. New things coming out of nowhere-- a funeral, a humongous bill, a party, a new assignment, jury duty, sick kids, whatever.

This is what I understand since my meditating epiphany:

- Contentment comes when we accept, day-by-day, the things that are on our plate. Resisting, complaining, and wishing things were different makes us feel bad while having to do it anyway.

- When we resist and feel negative about what we have to do anyway, our minutes and hours take on an unpleasant, stressful quality-- that we're waiting to get through.

- Having that stressful attitude is actually creating an unhappy life experience because these appointments, working hard, and long "To Do" lists are what make up our lives.

- Acceptance is about having the best emotional experience we can while doing what we have to do.

If you want a visual to understand what I mean, watch the 1922 silent film Nanook of the North. It's a documentary about the daily lives of an Inuk family. At one point the family was literally building their igloo/house on a daily basis after a day of hunting! And throughout, they are smiling!

Nanook Of The North Full Movie - YouTube

So I conclude this post by saying that my acceptance of my busy lifestyle has made me more joyful as I work. I am also more present as I'm doing what I do because I'm not stressing about what I have to do next.  I'm walking slower and remembering to take deep breaths. As I've heard on many occasions, "You'll be done when you die."


On Sunday, March 9th at 3 pm, I get to read and discuss Salt in the Sugar Bowl at Quail Ridge Books & Music, a very cool independent bookstore in Raleigh. If you're in the area, please drop by... and tell your friends! 

You can buy Salt in the Sugar Bowl from Main Street Rag Publish Company's website, at Barnes & Noble @ New Hope Commons in Durham, and at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh.

Clothes make the (wo)man

So we have dress-down Mondays at my school. It's a morale booster for staff and students. This past Monday the teacher across the hall from me noticed my flannel shirt, jeans and work boots. "That's you," she said. "That's your personality."
"How'd you know?" I asked.
"It's just you."
And she was right. It blew my mind that the two or three times I've worn flannel, jeans and workboots, she has said something similar. The truth is, if I had an Angie uniform, that would be it. When I wear that threesome, I feel able to meet any challenge. These have been my favorite, most frequent non-professional clothing items since my early twenties.

I'd love one in every color!

Maybe they fit me best because I'm a do-er: I garden, cook, write on benches and porch steps. Flannel and denim wash well, and it doesn't matter if I stain them. They still look and feel perfect (to me). It's sort of like the saying, when you have comfortable shoes, you forget you have feet.

Wearing this uniform makes the issue of clothing disappear because clothes say things about us-- androgynous, earth mother, nerd, soccer mom, glamour girl, preppie, whatever. If a label fits, we probably feel most comfortable when we're in this outer skin (clothing). When we wear  these things, we never wish we'd worn something else. We have that extra smidgeon of energy freed up to focus on whatever we're up to.

I don't know how or why this happens.

Maybe I'm more "myself" in flannel and jeans because my happiest, free-est childhood days were spent with my grandparents in the South. I wore a great deal of flannel back then, as did my grandfather who was definitely more like a dad than a granddad. Those were the days before they both died and I moved permanently back to New York, before abandonment issues became a running theme in my life. Maybe flannel and denim represent a simpler time-- before pain and fear colored the steps I took and the expectations I had about the world.

So in this society of rapidly-changing fashion statements: what's in, out, lame, hot, etc. I say find your uniform-- the things that not only make you feel good, but also represent "you" at your core. Wear it every chance you get, in as many variations as you can come up with. I plan to, because when I do, it's like a kid putting on the Superman cape.

So what's your uniform?

Check this out: This Sunday Cliff Bellamy wrote a great review about Salt in the Sugar Bowl for the "Books and More" section of the Durham Herald-Sun! http://www.heraldsun.com/lifestyles/books/x1385734997/REVIEW-A-saga-of-leaving-and-returning 

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl (Main Street Rag Publishing Company)
Available at www.amazon.com

Why I paint my pinkies red......

I came across this bit of information last week, so I've been painting my pinky nails red: "People who paint their pinky fingernail red are trying to bring attention to the prevalence of violent acts in today’s society committed primarily by men. "By painting their fingernail red, individuals are making a pledge to take a stand against violence, a majority of which is committed by men. One red fingernail is meant to serve as an outward sign of one’s willingness to stand up against and speak out against violence." (http://www.therangernews.com/?q=node/575)

My husband's family friends recently lost a granddaughter and her mother to an angry partner who then killed himself. Several years ago, one of my family friends had a nephew who killed his wife and himself. There are frequent reports of such incidents.

So I want to remind women to acknowledge that these things do happen, and that we have to be mindful about the choices we make. We must think and act in ways that promote safety because we can get off track rather quickly.

Some reminders:

- Be as sane as possible. This is especially applicable when choosing a love interest. If you are over the top, off-the-charts emotionally, and as needy as a newborn, you will have the common sense of a cornish hen. When we don't commit to our own sanity, we don't recognize "crazy" when he or she is sitting on our sofa because our eyes are filled with stardust or some other magical blinding substance that causes us to fall asleep. If we stay as sane as possible, we will know when someone needs to "sell crazy somewhere else" (my favorite Jack Nicholson line). People choose their victims, and the harder you are to victimize, the safer you are.

- Don't confuse being tough with having common sense. Some people feel that because they can argue and stand up for themselves and fight to the finish, they are just fine. The truth is that tough can fall just as fast as gentle can. We need to choose situations that don't require a lot of arguing and fussing and defending. Tough is having the the wisdom to walk away and keep yourself out of harm's way.

- Make self awareness a priority. The best way to keep yourself safe is to choose wisely. Think twice about who you hang out with, where you go, and how you carry yourself. Don't let your guard down when it should be up.

- Don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Don't lie to yourself. Admit it when you make excuses for someone's bad behavior because you want to be loved more than anything, you're lonely, or it's been a long time since you had somebody. When you're in a bad relationship, the thing you want more than anything is to get out of it. (Twice in my life I've said, "God if you let me get out of this relationship, I won't do it again!")

- Think like a woman and not like a girl. It's not cute or loving to cross somebody else's boundaries or to have somebody crossing yours. Jealousy, stalking, invading privacy and controlling behaviors are trouble. All those behaviors require healing, insight and self control.  These are the scenarios that lead to those Snapped episodes when supposedly rational women end up in jail, or those Lifetime "true life" episodes about somebody turning up dead.

So I will keep painting my pinky red for a while because I am appalled by all the passive and aggressive violence perpetrated against women in the media and in our society. But I will also keep reminding women to use their inner strength to live as mindfully and as safely as possible.

Anything to add?

Everything isn't for you: honing in on your own energy

I started this blog a couple of years ago because so many people seemed unhappy, stressed, nervous, and generally out of sorts. There's a lot of discontent these days, and there's also a sense of not knowing where to begin to make things better, different, more palatable. Not saying that I've got all my ducks in a row, but the thing about living a reflective life is that I'm always making adjustments to get grounded, back on track, calmer, etc.

So since this is the season of New Year's resolutions, I was reflecting on why stating resolutions seems to be merely a tradition that often falls by the wayside in a few days. These declarations don't ultimately address the underlying tension, stress, and anxiety that make pharmaceutical companies one of the most prosperous industries of our time. I believe this is because we get so much external input that we forget that we should be living from the inside out. I think we have to find ways to manage the amount of input that effects how we live our lives.

• Just spend an hour on the Internet and it is unquestionably clear that there are unlimited options available to us.
• If we're not tuned in to who we are at the core, way too many things seem like good ideas for us. This applies to everything from fashion to spiritual beliefs to diets to how we spend our down time.
• All those options can be major stressors because they are really just pulling us in various directions all day, everyday. Being bombarded with ads and images about what to wear, where to go, what to eat, how to look, can throw us into overload without realizing it. I read an article that referred to an Eastern European model who came to the U.S. and was taken to a superstore. She was so overwhelmed by all the choices that she passed out.
• Going in a number of random directions on a regular basis-- even if it's online, in stores, or in your mind, is wasting your energy and time. It also contributes to the feeling of dissatisfaction because we haven't used our time to do the things that are meaningful to us. 
• One of the strange things about the prevalence of social media is witnessing what others are doing in their lives. If a person isn't grounded in his or her own energy, it can lead to wishing, coveting, envying, comparing and a host of other counterproductive emotional responses. 

I bring all this up because this year I used my energy in some very concrete ways that made a positive difference. I identified the things that enhance my lifestyle and my way of being in the world. I accomplished more than I have in long time. Here's what I learned:

- Buying fancy and elegant things for anything other than occasional special events is a waste of my money. I am most comfortable in cotton, corduroy and flannel. The rest mostly hangs in my closet until it goes out of style.

- I'm not a traveler. I'm quite happy exploring and vacationing in familiar and short distance territory. No need to try and wrap my mind around "If I had the money, I'd go to....." cause really I wouldn't. And if I did, I'd be counting the days till I could go home.

- I'm low brow. There's no getting around it. I don't judge anybody for dropping a few hundred bucks at a five-star restaurant. But the truth is, I'm thrilled with a plate of wings and a glass of cab. Thrilled! And sometimes I get a second order of wings because the first batch was that good.

- A lot of entertainment isn't that entertaining for me. I'm not into plays and the opera, cruises, or elaborate celebrations to commemorate milestones. I'm happiest when I have the option of keeping it simple.

- I need quiet time. If things have been hectic-- whether with work, readings, or family activities, I must choose to stay home alone and regroup.

Acknowledging these things as my sort of baseline for living empowered me. It took a bunch of options off the table. So I offer this as a strategy for starting the new year: Until we figure out our true likes, dislikes, values and preferences, we spend a lot of time desiring things that wouldn't be that satisfying if we had them. Knowing this helps in how we choose our mates, how we spend our money, how we make small and large decisions.

At some point we can stop trying on options and accept some basic facts about ourselves. We can stop chasing fantasies and focus on living according to our truths. In so doing, we find ourselves with more resources and power for engaging in the pursuit of meaningful goals and activities.  

This is entertainment for me!

Who's family, who's the enemy, and how can I tell the difference?

The holidays are a time for family. I spend a lot of time reflecting on family dynamics-- namely what's a "truth", what's an issue, and how I can be the healthiest I can be-- in spite of. I was raised in a pretty liberal fashion, in a rather communal setting. There were lots of complicated relationships. Although my parents' relationship ended when I was very young, my mother remained friends with his siblings and nieces. Because of this, I always had positive feelings about both sides of my family- even though I didn't know the vast majority of my paternal relations.  My favorite uncle is an ex in-law who, in spite of separation from my aunt, always visits us when we are in town; and likewise, we will drop by to see him if time is tight.

My own generation now has its share of complex relationships-- with exes and dramatic pasts and episodes. The kinds of situations where bad blood spills, and lines are drawn, and allegiances are formed. Until recently, I got a muddled, headachy feeling when I tried to sort things out logically. How close can I be to an ex-in law? What's betrayal? Who's off limits? But this year-- after so much introspection and the book talks, and sharing insights with a community of strangers, I have a new level of honesty working within myself. Insights assail me like shooting stars. They are beautiful and unexpected, and they have brought me peace. 

So these are the personal truths that now resonate with me when negotiating the complex family relationships that are so commonplace during these times. They are not for everyone, but they feel like a good fit for me and the culture in which I was raised.

• Marriage does actually make someone a family member. Just because a divorce happens doesn't mean that all the relationships are severed. I have fallen in love with many of my in-laws, and I have been thrown for a loop when things didn't work out. Likewise, many of my relatives love my husband, and if I had issues with him, that wouldn't mean they don't love him any more.
• Little children never know who is the blood relative and who is the relative by marriage. They have to be told who's who-- which says it all. 
• Hearts can open wide enough to include everyone. Over time, I've seen that the happiest families are those that don't adhere to too many rules. My coworker recently went to the wedding of her brother's "baby mama" who was marrying a different man. At the wedding was the bride and her relatives, her new husband and his relatives, the "baby", the baby's father and his relatives.  My coworker travelled 500 miles to be there, and she said it was wonderful, and there was such a sense of family and happiness because the "baby" is surrounded by everybody who loves her. 
• My heart does actually snap shut to exclude those who have been mean-spirited, violent, or harmful to the well-being of others. It's like an intuitive default mechanism. There are deal breakers.
• My mother (I'm amazed by how often I mention her!!!?????) has always modeled acceptance and goodwill. She has only spoken of my father in complimentary terms. She has never exhibited any bitterness of any kind, and she sleeps better than anybody I know.

So when there are difficult family choices to make-- especially during the holiday season, take a minute to find the personal truths that really do rest in your own soul. Don't believe the hype. Don't let the emotions of others guide your thinking, and sit yourself in multiple seats and see life from different perspectives. That's the only way to live an authentic life. And it is only in living an authentic life that we bring peace to our hearts.

Get your copy of my novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl! www.mainstreetrag.com
See the reviews on Amazon! http://www.amazon.com/Salt-Sugar-Bowl-Angela-Belcher/product-reviews/1599484021/ref=pr_all_summary_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=byRankDescending

"This book will leave you wanting more! ”

Tara  |  2 reviewers made a similar statement

From HATING the holidays to loving them!

What a great Thanksgiving! A few years ago, I HATED the holidays! I had a lot of emotional crap in my psyche that was unresolved, and that kept me from feeling integrated enough to get with this season of what seems like flying by the seat of my pants. Now I finally feel integrated, and I'm thrilled!

What do I mean exactly?

'Twas a time that I didn't see how the aspects of my life worked together. I tried to interpret what folks were feeling and thinking, to anticipate conflicts, to view my own life from the outside looking in, to interpret others' lives from the outside looking in, and so on. With all that mentalizing, I wasn't operating from my own core. Now I'm operating from my core, and I'm aware of certain things:

1) Even though it's sometimes inconvenient, family and traditions are very important to me.
2) There are no aspects of life that are perfect, so if that's what I'm waiting for, get over it.
3) Always know who I'm dealing with so I can stay present and self-supporting-- in spite of.
4) Take some space for myself before I need it-- even if it's just spending a little extra time in the bathroom.
5) I need comfortable clothes.
6) I can't change anybody, so breathe and let people have their own experience.
7) Writing a list and operating from it keeps me functioning and vibrating at a much higher level.
8) I have learned a lot from my mother, and despite any "issues," when I respect her wisdom and importance to our family, I am blissfully aware of being connected to something larger than myself.
9) I have to set the internal and external boundaries that maintain my mental and physical health.

So this is the first holiday in a long while (possibly ever) that all the stars seem aligned. I have surrendered to the notion that all the decisions I've made along the way make perfect sense from the vantage point from which I was operating:

1) When I was wild and crazy in my 20s, I was spending money AND saving money, stretching myself beyond the boundaries of my family and upbringing, and carving out an identity that was all my own. It got pretty ugly at times, but God did I learn a lot!
2) When I became a parent in my 30s, I had enough skills and resources to make dramatic changes in my lifestyle that made for a healthier experience for my daughter and me. I was stressed a LOT, but I'd gained enough courage in my 20s to cut my losses when I needed to and keep moving until I found myself in better places. I used a lot of money and appeared to be a mite unstable, but I had to find my place in the world because it wasn't finding me! I also learned to be self-conscious and conflicted-- because I had taken on the identity of "mother" which meant I was "supposed" to be a particular way.
3) In my forties, I carved out a niche that was so grounded in independence, spiritual practice, and personal study that I seemed to be unearthing all the dross and silt and was loosening stones and rocks that had obscured the deeper truths of my existence. There was a lot of uncertainty, but I learned to live with the "not knowing" long enough to evolve beyond the stuck places. I found myself sort of transformed-- sort of like rebirthing. I lived in the ethers, it seemed-- meditating and chanting and burning frankincense and myrrh, seeking a lasting peace in something more than the world offered externally.
4) And my 50s have granted me the opportunity to integrate all that I've learned on the paths I've travelled. I've finally lived long enough to distinguish between the voices that bring healing or dis-ease. That is a gift! Because people can and do act from agendas that can poison our peace--taking a tender moment and pulverizing it, or introducing their fears into our intentions until we forget where we were headed. So now I know how to keep my own intentions in the center of my life.

So I think I hated the holidays because when I was not strongly grounded and confident about my path, I could lose myself and question my choices, my safety, my sanity when bombarded with the energy of the folks around me! I didn't know how to bring the pieces of myself into the chaotic frenzy of family and expectations and overstimulation.

But today I am absolutely basking in happiness because I recognize the healing of many hurt places within me! I've learned how to ground myself in the things that bring more light into my life-- the thoughts, the people, the rituals. Because this is the life I've been given, that I've chosen, and for which only I am accountable.

I am having my holiday! And I invite you to do the same-- in whatever ways speak to the core of who you are! Make your own list of 1-9, so you can enjoy them on the terms that resonate with you.

...................................................................................................................................................................

Get your copy of my novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl! www.mainstreetrag.com
See the reviews on Amazon! http://www.amazon.com/Salt-Sugar-Bowl-Angela-Belcher/product-reviews/1599484021/ref=pr_all_summary_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=byRankDescending

Overcoming skittishness

Dogs who are kicked are often skittish. I was not kicked or hit or abused, but my family, God bless 'em, made me skittish because they had an opinion about EVERYTHING!

About things like:
- Don't eat while walking down the street.
- Don't comb your hair on the stoop.
- Don't go outside without combing your hair.
- Don't tell people your business.
- Don't ask questions that open cans of worms-- even if it's your own can, and you want to know what's in it.
- Don't leave the price tag on a gift for fear of being judged as either boastful or cheap.

Such a family can make you feel damned if you do and damned if you don't.  When the people raising you have a lot of shoulds that seem random and come out of nowhere, it makes you an introvert. (Not somebody who doesn't want to be around people. The kind who has to recharge by having some alone time.)

I didn't realize it till recently, but sometimes when I'm having a glorious time in my zone (thinking and cooking and writing and gardening), a nervous feeling runs through me. The peace is gone. My mind starts churning. This is because when you're raised with an onslaught of input, you expect interference. You expect that your zone is going to be infiltrated at any minute. So out of nowhere, my fight or flight response is activated.

I know it's all leftover crap from childhood. It's that feeling that people are watching and waiting to catch me or correct me or remind me or want me to do something else. A lot of shoulds embed the belief that People want me to be other than what I want to be and People want me to do other than what I want to do.

What does it mean?!

In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle shared an interpretation of families that promote a slew of shoulds. "My disapproval of you is intended to make you feel so guilty and uncomfortable that you finally conform to my wishes." This is probably why I have dubbed myself a warrior. Because I always felt I had to antagonize my way down the path of my choosing. I became fiercely independent early on, so I had the right to do what I wanted on my own terms. The Catch-22 is that such a person rarely feels supported. There's an underlying feeling that "they" are still invalidating "me," and that's what makes me a bit skittish. Without even realizing it, I can tighten up-- expecting negative judgment or subtle manipulation. At such times I feel my claws emerging.

Of course our families generally want us to do what they want us to because that's how we humans are. We think our way is the way. I'm guilty of it myself, but I'm getting better at that. Because as reasonable adults with minds of our own, we need to relax into our own way of being, and breathe life into our vision of ourselves. We can't live with the feeling that we're about to be caught doing something wrong when all we're doing is making choices about how to best live our own lives.

How?!

1) Release the emotions associated with other people's reactions to our harmless choices about our own lives.
2) Plant our feet and minds firmly in the activities of our choosing and enjoy the hell out of whatever they are.
3) Be brave enough to accept the consequences of our choices without whining.
4) Allow other people the right to do the same.

How does this get rid of skittishness?!

We can relax when we accept at the core of our very being that there is no right way to do life-- no matter what we've been taught. This applies to relationship choices, career choices, introversion, extroversion, fashion statements, whatever. If we're not hurting anybody, then we should just RELAX.

Acknowledging that I'm the expert when it comes to my wants and preferences and actions is grounding-- the exact opposite of skittish.

Get your copy of my novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl! www.mainstreetrag.com
See the reviews on Amazon! http://www.amazon.com/Salt-Sugar-Bowl-Angela-Belcher/product-reviews/1599484021/ref=pr_all_summary_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=byRankDescending