Showing one face

September is my spiritual birthday. I pretend it's my actual birthday. I set goals and make resolutions. Maybe it's because school starts, and I was always a school person. And I teach. 

So as I approach my spiritual birthday, I want to publicly declare that I am better off than I've ever been. I feel healthier, more grounded, less anxious, stronger, more myself. This past few months of talking about my book and exploring the many faces of abandonment issues have made me more self aware-- in a good way. A core component of abandonment issues is not feeling okay, not feeling things are quite right. It's the "when this gets resolved" syndrome. "This" can be a job, a relative's dilemma, relationship, money issues, an illness, whatever.

But this summer I was all over the place, and after all this public outrospection, I get it. In the words of Popeye, I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam. My skin has grown thicker from being out of my comfort zone for five straight months. I've had to talk to strangers and "sell" myself. I've shared details about my life that I never considered public knowledge. I learned stuff I didn't want to learn (tweeting), and I had to do everything without getting to complain about how uncomfortable I was-- because it is all related to what I say I want out of life.

 I think what has happened is that I've finally merged my inner and outer lives. Sometimes we hide parts of ourselves. We shrink from our potential in order to stay safe, and we create a "face" for the public-- also to protect ourselves. Without even knowing it, we have subtracted something from both our private and public selves. Once I got the courage to put one shaky foot in front of the other, one day I noticed the footing was firmer.

So this is my advice:

Get the hell out of your comfort zone by accepting yourself as whole right here and now-- warts and all. Do what you can do with what you have. Then go forward like you're the hero of your life-- even if your legs feel like spaghetti and your heart is jello.

Get your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl, a novella. Find out why Sophia Sawyer leaves her six children, and how those children fare as they try to live, love, and prosper as if their mother hadn't broken their hearts. Order today at www.mainstreetrag.com

Book Talk @ Barnes & Noble in Cary!

I'm excited to discuss Salt in the Sugar Bowl @ Barnes and Noble in Cary on Thursday, August 15th. The Sawyer family is a case study in abandonment issues! Their mother leaves her six children to be raised by their father. He's a hard-working man, but as the children grow up and begin their adult lives, they find they aren't as healed as they would like to believe.

What exactly does your mirror have to tell you?

You probably know I'm on this healing journey. I believe our childhood hurts and fears and pains live in our bodies like alien creatures. And like alien creatures, they must be dealt with; otherwise they take over your life and you wonder what the hell happened.

So I deal with issues by a) paying attention to my feelings when they creep out of bounds, and b) catching myself behaving in ways that go against my "personal philosophy." I then spend a bit of time figuring out what happened to pull me off balance. This works for me because: 1) it breaks the habit of having underlying feelings run my life, and 2) I get more insight about who I am at the core and why I do what I do.

Case in point....
I ran into a former student today. We hugged, and she smiled as students do when they meet their teachers in public. The onus is always on the teacher to ask questions and give feedback, etc. I LOVE meeting students in public, so we chatted on and on, then I went to back to my car. Before I pulled off, I caught myself looking in the mirror! Hmmmnnnnn. Then I think! AHA! A little remnant of my abandonment issue! Why? How?

Because abandonment issues (and probably a host of other issues) play out by making the irrelevant relevant. Instead of going with the flow and taking life as it comes, "abandonment survivors" (just coined this phrase) take stock a lot by

• looking in the mirror to see if something's wrong, 
• reviewing a conversation to determine whether we sounded like an idiot, and
• coming up with what could've, should've, would've gone differently.

But my true self cares less than a cent about what I was about to see in the mirror after a random conversation. So I looked away from the mirror and didn't give another thought to what the student saw or what either of us said. 

Because this mental and physical scrutiny is all about that underlying feeling that something unexpected can blindside me and I wind up in an unpleasant place. Maybe I looked like a hoochie in my exercise clothes; maybe sweat had dried and I had eye boogers, etc. My instinct was an expectation of something being wrong, expecting to be judged harshly, or even to be judged favorably. I was about to relinquish my power and give it to somebody/anybody else-- and have her make a difference in my psyche. I mean, really?!

I'm a grown woman, and I have been living long enough to have conversations and interactions all day long without needing an assessment of how I'm doing!  

So this is going to be my homework for the week: Be present when I'm engaged with somebody, then move the heck on. Don't waste my time reflecting or going back over it unless it's for some clearly positive and healthy purpose. 

My AHA experience is this: Before you look in the mirror, ask yourself why you're going there. Most times, you'd be better off just going with the flow and putting yourself all the way into your agenda. Because the truth is that retouching the makeup, recombing that bang, or seeing if that pimple got bigger will not create the experiences you want in life. Trust me on that! 

Don't forget to order a copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl! See how abandonment issues run rampant as the adult Sawyer children deal with life and love after having being abandoned by their mother, Sophia.  http://www.mainstreetrag.com/store/MSRFiction.php 
$10, plus S&H


"Just finished Salt in the Sugar Bowl. Read it slow to savor every word, every character. As I read from character to character, each became my favorite at the moment. Great story,  one that can be found in any big family. You are an incredible writer, a writer from the heart. Loved that you mentioned Brooklyn, Ft. Greene. Laughed, smiled, smirked in some parts. Can't wait for your next."     
 --Maria Villafane, New Yorker

Beast of the Southern Wild: Parenting 101

I just saw Beast of the Southern Wild last week. I fell in love with it. That only happens for me once in a blue moon.

Why did I love it so much?

Because I write about abandonment. And Hushpuppy was abandoned by her mother; and her father seems a kind of a mixed blessing of a father who, early in the film, is hard for me to bear. But over the course of the film, he became a sort of renegade hero for me because I believe in "tough." I believe there are circumstances that demand having a stiff enough spine to get through whatever the heck you have to get through. And at the end, (with the cutest little heroine on the planet) this movie showed how this seemingly psycho father had actually prepared his child for the life she was inheriting as his child.

At the end of the day that's what I think decent parenting is about-- preparing kids. I think a lot of frustration felt by parents has to do with the feeling that their children aren't prepared for life or might never be what they need to be. But preparing children for life requires real reflection about what they really need at every stage in order to navigate the situations they will encounter without falling apart. They don't need warm and fuzzy all day, every day. They need some heavy doses of reality and honesty, and to know with certainty that they actually have spines-- just as we do.

We get stronger by being stronger. Character traits aren't developed by simply having pleasant conversations; we develop character through lessons learned in real time situations. Better that our kids take some chances and sink now and then while we're still close enough to them to give a little feedback, and help them make a few adjustments-- than to have them floundering around as weak as worms wondering what to do when the flood comes.


Do you have your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl yet? Find out why a mother walks out on her six children, and how, years later, the abandonment issues run rampant in the lives of those children.
Click here to order from Amazon! http://tinyurl.com/kky83bh

Are abandonment issues sabotaging your present?

Abandonment infiltrates our psyches like parasites. It makes us feel less than.

How?

We want to make sure we do whatever it takes so people love us, want us, stay with us, think we're worthy, etc. We bend over backwards, make allowances for bad behavior, wear clothes that we don't really like because we think we'll get a particular reaction. We become more mindful of what others are thinking about us than of what we think of ourselves. We try to control how safe we feel by anticipating the thinking and actions of others. This is an impossibility! Sometimes people wind up alone because they're so afraid of being abandoned that they find ways to avoid committing.

Where does it come from?

I can't speak for everyone, but I didn't know my dad, and I spent a lot of my early years with my grandparents, then they died when I was still young. I, therefore, inherited a boat load of abandonment issues! They can also come from divorce, addiction, parental depression and mental illness.

What's my point?

It's really important to see when & where abandonment issues are operating in one's life. I learned that being healthy means having a very clear idea of who I am and what I like that has nothing to do with anybody else. If we are able to clarify that and have our own backs, then we are pretty much guaranteed to take good care of ourselves. When we get too caught up in attachment to others, we are often acting out of fear from our past, rather than having a healthy relationship in our present.

My novella is filled with the fallout of abandonment issues as Sophia Sawyer's six children try to live healthy adult lives after their mother left them behind and never looked back. Check it out! Salt in the Sugar Bowl: www.mainstreetrag.com/AEpps.html

Harness your mind and take it where you want to go

This weekend I reflected a lot on the way my mind works. It seems that even though I focus a lot on positive thinking, sometimes I replay negative occurrences in my mind. Suddenly I remember when I blew up in anger about something that was none of my business. I remember when I left my journals behind and my ex- read every secret and horrible thing I had ever written about him (God almighty!). I think about how two of my aunts were my age when they died. I wish I'd visited my neighbor the week I intended to because she died before I got there. I think about how much more patience I wish I'd had when my daughter was young. And on and on.

It's weird the way our minds troll for things that bring us down or scare us when nothing good comes out of it. I already know better. I know what I won't do again. There's no need to beat up on myself. The lesson is already learned, or the opportunity was already missed. 

Today on the way home from a great weekend at the beach with my husband, I watched my mind try to take me out of my happy moment. I took control of my mind, and did not let it convince me that I am less happy, less worthy, less anything than I really am.

The Abraham-Hicks quote below says it all:

If all you did was just look for things to appreciate you would live a joyous, spectacular life. If there was nothing else that you ever came to understand other than just look for things to appreciate, it's the only tool you would ever need to predominantly hook you up with who you really are. That's all you'd need. 

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

My novella is now available! Order your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl:  www.mainstreetrag.com/AEpps.html

Pretense: a recipe for marital hell

There are many ways to set one's self up for a bad marriage. Pretending to be someone you're not is a prime example. This is an excerpt from Salt in the Sugar Bowl, and it shows how building a relationship based on pretense is a recipe for marital hell.

Sophia's mother, Devora, encouraged her only child to outdo herself-- to put on the best face she could possibly envision. She coaxed Sophia to spend entire paychecks on form-fitting dresses. And every Friday she handed Sophia a fistful of dollars from the petty cash to get her hair fixed. Devora passed off her kitchen skills as Sophia's. Devora’s steady doses of advice fell on deaf ears because Sophia never got the knack of any of it. She was clueless about the glitz. She was plain as paper. But Devora was determined to make all Sophia’s dates worthy of prom night.

Hunter Sawyer was blind-sided by the glamorized Sophia among the drab selection of women in their small town of Haden. In less than six months they were married at the Hope and Savior Baptist Church with a feast for seventy-five in the church dining room. Both Sophia and Devora were pleased at the good-looking, hard-working Hunter. But 19 year-old Sophia had not contemplated the consequences of their deception. She couldn’t match colors, or bake a chicken unassisted, or apply false eyelashes on her own.

In no time, Hunter was puzzling over why the meals all carried a strangling dose of vinegar when a short time ago he’d found pleasure in every forkful. Then when Sophia gave birth to their first child, and she had no paycheck coming in, Hunter looked sideways at how her hair always seemed to settle into something akin to a rooster’s comb. Then, shortly before the birth of her second grandchild, Sophia’s mother died from a massive, after dinner heart attack. Without Devora’s coaching, the baby weight clung to Sophia’s stomach and thighs. There were no form-fitting dresses to accentuate her new, maternal shape.

Hunter’s disappointment was palpable. No more long, sucking kisses. No unexpected grabbing and fondling in the kitchen. Sophia had no tricks up her sleeve, and no money for mirages. So Hunter had ultimately won himself a lesser prize than he’d expected. He had won the small prize on the middle shelf when he'd expected the large one at the top. Disappointment was a heavy weight to carry throughout a marriage of 17 years.

Order your copy of Salt in the Sugar Bowl:  www.mainstreetrag.com/AEpps.html

Reflecting on a Bob Marley truth...

“If she is amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy…truth is, everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” ~ Bob Marley

I love Bob Marley, and I credit him with being a real visionary. I choose to make the "she" in this quote "life". At the heart of this message, I do believe, is 1) having a life that is amazing won't be easy, and 2) you can take the easy route, but don't expect it to necessarily be satisfying. Then, as much as I hate to accept this as a truth, following your heart still has pain along the way. But, fortunately, along with the pain comes the bliss of running the race you want  toward a destination of your choice. A lot of the suffering, I believe though, is in getting in touch with what the heck we want, and once we know, figuring out how the heck to get it. I feel our lives are crammed with so much random and necessary stuff, that we must work to find the space and time to hear and understand what our real desires are. And once we get a clue, we're still left with this question: Where do we draw the line between following our dreams and common sense? 

(As an aside, notice how much my hair looks like Bob Marley's.....hmmmnnn)


My novella, Salt in the Sugar Bowl, is available at www.mainstreetrag.com/AEpps.html
$10, plus shipping and handling
When all the sweetness is gone from Sophia Sawyer's life, she leaves her husband and six children and never looks back. Find out how those children fared after their mother's abandonment.

Runaway Mothers

My novella Salt in the Sugar Bowl is about a mother who walks away from her six kids. This week, Dr. Phil featured Brenda Heist, a woman who left her two kids and husband 11 years ago and totally disappeared. Nobody expects that. In our culture, we make assumptions:
- if there's a divorce, Mom gets custody,
- if a child is sick, Mom does the doctoring,
- Mom is more nurturing and comforting,
- Mom has the child-rearing instincts
When a mom walks away, all kinds of questions surface. They usually have negative connotations: What was she thinking? Has she lost her mind? What the heck is wrong with her? Does she have a heart?

When a man leaves his family, again we make assumptions:
- He fell in love with someone else,
- He must have money, gambling, drug problems, or some dark secret, or
- He grew tired of the routine, rat race, etc.

A couple of the news items trace events leading up to Brenda Heist's departure, what she did while she was gone, and why she suddenly reentered the picture. But at the bottom of it all, is still the resounding question: What is it about a particular woman that enables her to leave her children behind?


Brenda Heist returned to her town after 11 years. She had already been declared dead.
http://lancasteronline.com/article/local/851840_Brenda-Heist-admits-trying-to-commit-suicide-three-days-before-turning-herself-in.html


Salt in the Sugar Bowl is available at www.mainstreetrag.com/AEpps.html
When all the sweetness is gone from her life, Sophia Sawyer leaves her six children and never returns. What happened to those children. Order today and find out.

Mother Nature's daughters on Mother's Day

So Mom and I weren't always close. We've never been estranged, but there were years that I didn't think much of holidays and family gatherings. I was doing my thing and they had their own thing, and our things didn't seem to match all that well.

Time passes the way it does-- sometimes slow, and sometimes whizzing by. And I look up and Mom and I have things in common.

WE LOVE NATURE!

We are like twin nature nymphs. This morning we sat on my deck having coffee, and before you know it we were up on my hill pulling weeds and sawing down little trees. HAVING A BLAST!

Yesterday we went to visit my daughter in her new apartment, came home and made lunch, then spent four hours breaking up and moving parts of my HUGE cacti! We had a WONDERFUL time.

So I'm really grateful that we both love something that brings us together in a way that is magic. We get down and dirty, and we plant, saw, and dig, and then sit satisfied--bonded at the core by something that really means something to us. We, Odessa and I, are really Mother Nature's daughters.