The Four Agreements and uncovering who we are at the core

"In The Four Agreements shamanic teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz exposes self-limiting beliefs and presents a simple yet effective code of personal conduct learned from his Toltec ancestors."

 I love this little book. It was the perfect read for the beginning of the summer. I read it in two days, and I'm committing to Don Miguel Ruiz's four agreements:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Take nothing personally.
• Don't make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

At the heart of the book is getting beyond all the programming or societal "agreements" that are made unconsciously. Regardless of who we are at the core, we are pretty much programmed into believing and behaving in certain ways. This quote says it all for me: "Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."

If I follow his four agreements, Ruiz says: "They will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements."

I'll keep you posted.

For the teachers out there....

I teach. Some of the high school students I teach give me (and everybody else) a good run for my money. This morning I was thinking about why so many teachers burn out. I, personally, am not burned out. ...not by any stretch of the imagination. I actually enjoy what I do, but I am, of course, looking forward to the end of the school year because who doesn't love vacation?

So back to the burn out. The thing about teaching is that, as far as students go, you get what you get. Some will be easier than others. Some students will consistently buck every one of your systems, directives, and desires. That overwhelmed condition known as burn out can easily be caused by a teacher's belief that he or she can (metaphorically) whip kids into shape. During the course of my career, I've seen teachers' veins bulge out of their necks and foreheads, cry in the restroom, and plead with administrators.

I'm here to say, you have to know what is possible and what is not. You should learn as much about classroom management as you possibly can because that is what will ultimately save your hide. You should get to know the students as well as you can (which is largely dependent on the size of your classes) in order to target your strategies appropriately. Of course you should know your subject areas so your lessons aren't so boring or disjointed that you deserve to be given a hard time. Those are basically the tools of the trade.


So, if you have your tools, and you use them wisely, know that you still won't get all the students to do exactly what you have in mind, and no amount of stress and strain will make it happen. Students are people too, and they have personalities and goals and sometimes what you're selling isn't exactly what they want on their plates. There are days that I actually laugh out loud at how incorrigible a particular student has proven to be. Sometimes it's a whole handful of incorrigibles who sort of band together as a sort of anti-class posse. Because that's just how life is, and that's how school is.

Soooo... recognize when you are doing your very best, then cut yourself enough slack that you can actually enjoy your work.

And for teachers who are mothers, you have to realize that most of your little darlings aren't always little darlings, so they sure don't miraculously change into them once they're in the classroom.

So know your trade, do your absolute best without working yourself into a stupor, keep a sense of humor, and move on......

Problem-solving for real....

I'm at a conference that tackles issues related to teenage pregnancy. Since I work with a number of pregnant and parenting teens, I see the importance of this issue firsthand.

Dr. Michael Carrera and Dr. Joycelyn Elders are the speakers at the Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention Campaign of NC. The great thing about people like them-- accomplished individuals with a vision, is that they have a long history of figuring out how to deal with the problems that people find overwhelming. What I heard today in their really inspiring speeches, were testimonies and examples of how they made things work.

Dr. Elders has reached all kinds of milestones and still has the down-to-earth wit that kept the audience entertained. She is unabashedly honest about sexuality-- and how Americans stick their heads in the sand when it comes to the truth about sex. (http://www.indyweek.com/indyweek/dr-joycelyn-elders-former-us-surgeon-general/Content?oid=1209168)

Dr. Carrera has implemented 50 adolescent pregnancy prevention programs in more than 20 states. We know all this crap about basketball wives and Atlanta Housewives (well, I don't personally), but we don't know about the amazing strategies that really do change people's lives. And while people are trying to reinvent wheels all over the country, there people who know how to do what so many keep revisiting-- with little success.



I'm inspired by their commitment. We have to be committed to the things we find important in our lives.

It's Heart Time

Yesterday I woke up feeling like the bottom of an old shoe-- just worn all the way out. So I went to my naturopath and herbalist, Margie Mulholland (http://www.timberlakeherbstore.com/).   

Timberlake Herb Store

(Isn't this place a gem in this age of overkill?)

She wasn't surprised to see me because "I'm on the path" and I'm "sensitive." She told me it's heart time. It's the time of the year when the atmosphere heats up, and our hearts will feel it the most. Those with heart issues of any and all kinds might need some extra support. It's a time to stay cool and not get too overheated.

Ironically, I'm increasing my use of cayenne pepper and taking cayenne capsules because it stimulates the system and improves circulation. I'm also up-ing my CoenzymeQ10 which is something of a miracle in itself.
(http://www.natural-remedies-review.com/coenzyme-q10.html)

Today I'm feeling way better; luckily, my remedies are most often found in nature. My tips: Know your body. Listen to your body. Respond when it talks to you! 

It's okay to be uncomfortable

I told my daughter the other day that people would be a lot better off in the world if they had the mantra: "It's okay to be uncomfortable." Since she's just going out into the world for real, so much of what she's encountering is new. As I listen to her take on various situations, it dawned on me that much of what happens in our daily lives is a little bit uncomfortable (and sometimes a lot uncomfortable). Life really is kinda challenging:
We have to meet new people.
We have to interact with people we don't like.
We have to sit in meetings and hear about things that we don't like to hear about.
We have to wait in traffic and on lines.
Sometimes we have to walk through puddles.
Our underwear might ride up all day, or our tights crawl down.
We have to learn to use technology that we are clueless about.
We have to work through lunch to meet deadlines.
We have to drop everything and take somebody somewhere.
We have students or clients or somebody that we simply have to grin and bear.
We have to balance our checkbooks, so we don't run out of money.
We have to eat the lunch from hell because we didn't have time to make it in advance.
We have to change our plans for the gazillionth time because somebody found out about something that changes everything.
We have to make speeches or read aloud to strangers.
We have to put ourselves out there.

I could go on forever. The thing about this realization is that it made me a bit more okay about the IDEA of being uncomfortable. It's like we can go through lives with this myth about getting comfortable. But that makes us long for something other than the experience that we're having.  And maybe a lot of comfort is happening for a lot of people. But for me, I'm REALLY confortable for about an hour or two everyday. That's about it. For the rest of the time, I'm stretching myself to make life work, and making mental adjustments for what just is......

Fear in all its irrational glory!

    Fear cripples us, increases our heart rates, and does all kinds of harm to our human experience. All I have to say is that many people actually survive and even thrive in the midst of war, with debilitating illnesses, after losing loved ones, while living in horrendous sanitary conditions, having to walk miles just to get a ration of water (By the way, megabusinesses are actually rerouting villages' waterways so their plants can bottle water for our consumption! See http://academic.evergreen.edu/g/grossmaz/klessill/, and http://www.enviroalternatives.com/waterglobal.html, http://www.onlineeducation.net/bottled_water (Once you read about it, you'll probably stop buying bottled water.)

But I digress......

I really just want to put it on record that I'm serious about living beyond the fears that render me less effective than I need to be. According to filmmaker Michael Moore, the American media pretty much scares us to death with its ads and news reports, so it's no wonder our bellies flutter like flags throughout the day. We're reminded of aging with its creams and procedures, of how much fun we're not having by all the fun people are having on TV, of what marriage should be according to TV love images, and how clean our house should be-- even if our careers keep us away from it 12 or 13 hours a day, and on and on. There is so much stuff in our heads to distract us from what could be (on most days) rather pleasurable journeys.

 So, I simply want to confront the feeling of fear when it happens, and truly consider how much worse things could be. That's how I'll start reprogramming myself. As I've said before, most days things are soooo much better than they could be. This really might be as good as it gets, so we might as well start enjoying it.

I hear it all the time: “It is what it is.” All of a sudden, not only do I hear it all the time, I catch myself actually saying it. So when something is so contagious, there must be some sort of truth behind it. Of course I investigated (internally). This is what came to me: It’s sort of the “Que sera sera” of the ‘60s. (What will be will be..) That was a time that definitely had its challenges, but we’ve taken stress to a whole new level, and nobody can bring it down but us.

Since I’ve been reading Martha Beck’s Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, I’ve been trying to “drop into wordlessness.” That’s basically to stop thinking and trying to find words and labels for everything that we see, feel, encounter. Dropping into silence is not easy, and I’m not very good at it. What I realize is that there are probably some people who can get through their days and minutes without keeping a mental commentary. That's what I want to do. Because all that thinking and interpreting does little more than fuel our internal dramas. Even if we’re rerunning pleasant conversations, we’re setting ourselves up to juxtapose them to not so pleasant ones. We simply think too much. We stress ourselves out by following any lead our busy minds put in front of us.

There is a real peace that comes when I don’t try to figure out every little thing. I don’t have to keep my mind fixed on what every nuance means, wonder about how the weekend will turn out, or how the students will behave in class next period, or where my guests will want to go when they visit next week. There's a time for all of that, but it's just not all the time.

 I’m learning to sit and look a little vacant sometimes, or wait until something passes, or let a comment just dangle in the air. Because, probably, 9 times out of 10 it simply is what it is. So what’s to think about?

A Life Well Lived

I went to a funeral yesterday, and I was inspired! The seventy-two-year-old wife, mother and grandmother was eulogized as a stilleto-wearing, convertible Mercedes driving, Saks Fifth Avenue shopping, world traveler who didn't care what people thought about her. She had many friends, and I expect just as many who wondered about her choices, her priorities. Probably because she broke from the mold to which they had relegated her. She was from a small town, moved to the north. I learned she worked in a care-giving related field, but had the kind of sense that allowed her to make much from little. She had the know-how to stretch her income (which was not large) to accommodate trips to Paris, Greece, Africa, England, India, and Caribbean Islands. She had the confidence to do all this traveling while her land-bound husband bowed out of these excursions. She followed her dream to see the world.

Of course her sons and grandchildren shed plenty of tears, but the funeral was so generally upbeat that it didn't elicit very many tears. Probably because it was so clear that she'd thoroughly enjoyed her journey. I was THRILLED! I don't want the life she had because if I never fly again, or never own a mink, I'll still die happy. But I want her courage to know who the hell I am, and live the way I want to live, and not give much of a damn about who wonders why I do the things I do. Hats off to you Bessie Williams-- a courageous woman who knew how to live her own life... in spite of.....

We're natural beings!

Now and then I feel out of sorts-- like this week. So I went to see my herbalist, Margie Mulholland (http://timberlakeherbstore.com/). Finding Margie was one of the most serendipitous events of my life because I feel like she's kept me alive. (If not alive, at least fully functioning.) What Margie teaches is that we are natural beings whose physical and emotional well-being is intimately tied to our natural environment.

So lately I'd been eating lots of fruit and salads and feeling just awful. Margie reminded me that if I go to the farmers' market, I won't find such things there. So that's not what my body needs right now. It's winter, and it's kidney season (Yes, our bodies have seasons. Liver season is next.) I need  warm things-- greens, squash, chard, beans, and soups, etc. I made the changes and started to feel better. (I'm at an artists' conference as I write.)

My point is that we have so many options in this age of instant everything. We have access to whatever we can afford-- from practically anywhere around the world. But just because we can have it doesn't mean we should have it. If we want good health, we have to learn as much about our bodies as we do about our all the other things we love. When we do, we can often generate our own healing.

                                                  Margie told me about the daikon radish. Now doesn't that look delicious?

 " It is also rich in enzymes that help in digesting fats and starchy foods.  There have been a few studies which indicate that Daikon may have some benefit in fighting or preventing cancer. Daikon is a good source of many of the same compounds that give broccoli its anti-cancer reputation.  And finally, it’s an excellent source of  phosphorus, potassium and vitamin C  – a great immune booster this time of year" (http://www.cook4seasons.com/archives/daikon-radish-confetti-salad/#more-2545).

Living up to your own expectations

This weekend I met a milestone. For several years I've needed to update my website. I really NEEDED to do it, and whenever I thought about it, I'd have the disappointed feeling that I hadn't completed that task yet. I vascillated between hiring somebody to do it and tackling it myself. Then I'd get caught up in a Catch-22 thinking about how low-tech I am, and at the same time thinking how I only need a simple website-- no bells and whistles.

To make this story shorter.... Yesterday I sat down and did it. I woke up with the intention of making a link on one page work. When I shut down my laptop at 2:30 a.m., I'd actually revised all the pages to the extent that I don't have to cringe when I think of someone accessing the site. It's not perfect, but it's functional.
(http://www.thewritingclinic.com/)

Grown daughter captured me with my brain in full web-building mode.

Months ago I mentioned how much we can actually accomplish for our jobs-- when somebody is paying us to do something that actually meets THEIR goals. What was so disappointing for me was knowing that when I really focus and give something my best shot, I can really get a job done and meet other people's expectations.

But I couldn't seem to harness that kind of energy to meet my own goal.

So after spending all those hours with technical support and taking notes and refreshing and downloading and linking and on and on..... I feel like I've reached some new place in my own development. I got in that zone that folks talk about when you know you're in flow and you're doing what you're supposed to. The Secret,  Wayne Dyer, Stuart Wilde, Deepak Chopra, and probably all the motivators make reference to it. And it was different from my writing zone-- because writing is something I really just love to do. But... (and here's my tip).... there are things that we don't actually love to do, but we want to accomplish them. We want very much to get to the other side of some gateway task that leads to more .... More what? More of something we want.. whatever that may be.

So I just want to encourage you to set the intention and stay in your (metaphorical) seat until you get it done. What a great feeling!