Living up to your own expectations

This weekend I met a milestone. For several years I've needed to update my website. I really NEEDED to do it, and whenever I thought about it, I'd have the disappointed feeling that I hadn't completed that task yet. I vascillated between hiring somebody to do it and tackling it myself. Then I'd get caught up in a Catch-22 thinking about how low-tech I am, and at the same time thinking how I only need a simple website-- no bells and whistles.

To make this story shorter.... Yesterday I sat down and did it. I woke up with the intention of making a link on one page work. When I shut down my laptop at 2:30 a.m., I'd actually revised all the pages to the extent that I don't have to cringe when I think of someone accessing the site. It's not perfect, but it's functional.
(http://www.thewritingclinic.com/)

Grown daughter captured me with my brain in full web-building mode.

Months ago I mentioned how much we can actually accomplish for our jobs-- when somebody is paying us to do something that actually meets THEIR goals. What was so disappointing for me was knowing that when I really focus and give something my best shot, I can really get a job done and meet other people's expectations.

But I couldn't seem to harness that kind of energy to meet my own goal.

So after spending all those hours with technical support and taking notes and refreshing and downloading and linking and on and on..... I feel like I've reached some new place in my own development. I got in that zone that folks talk about when you know you're in flow and you're doing what you're supposed to. The Secret,  Wayne Dyer, Stuart Wilde, Deepak Chopra, and probably all the motivators make reference to it. And it was different from my writing zone-- because writing is something I really just love to do. But... (and here's my tip).... there are things that we don't actually love to do, but we want to accomplish them. We want very much to get to the other side of some gateway task that leads to more .... More what? More of something we want.. whatever that may be.

So I just want to encourage you to set the intention and stay in your (metaphorical) seat until you get it done. What a great feeling!

You can go home again.

Whenever I go back to the small town in which I spent nine childhood years, my heart swells from the feeling of connection. When I visit, I attend the same church I did with my grandmother. Back then-- decades and decades ago, the church was filled with her sisters and cousins and their families, and dozens of friends. Now their descendants-- nieces, nephews, grand- and  great-grand, even greatgreatgrand descendants-- are in the choir and among the congregation.
When I sat in the church today, I reflected on how much I know about these people. I've known them all my life. I always visit and catch up on what's going on with this one or that one. All of us have had smooth and bumpy spots. Some tragedies, some victories.

Today I understood that the connections are more important than the details. People in small communities can fall from grace under the watchful eyes of neighbors, relatives, friends. They can bounce back, and fall in step, and learn firsthand that life is about forgiveness, support, renewal, and humanity.

Those of us who have moved away from such tightknit communities of connection can forget that mistakes and bad choices are notches on our timeline, but they don't define us for long..... UNLESS we punish ourselves in our minds over and over and over. Holding on to our unhappy memories and judging ourselves will hold us prisoner long after the world has forgotten and moved on with the business of living.

Finding the Middle Way

I notice that young people speak in hyperbole a lot. “That is awesome!” or “I was so pissed off!” or "I can’t stand this!” or “I had this amazing .......!” or “It was #%!#*! awful!” Most times, what they’re talking about isn’t THAT big a deal.

If you’re young and reading this, my advice is to take it down a notch. Too much emotion is the stuff of which nervous breakdowns are made. I do believe that a lot of mood swings and depression are fueled by exaggeration at both ends.  Highs too high, and lows too low.

In your daily life, find the middle way. The middle way is about expecting life to have its ups and downs, and taking them in stride.  It’s accepting things for what they are without overemphasizing a lot of it. Realize that most of what goes on is just what life is all about. That way, when something truly amazing happens, you can appreciate it. And when something is truly devastating, it won’t take you out.

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Eckhart Tolle: "The opposite of life is not death. The opposite of death is birth. Life has no opposite."

Eckhart Tolle (by now you know he's one of my favorites) wrote, "The opposite of life is not death. The opposite of death is birth. Life has no opposite."

 

I like that as a quote for starting my year. There are so many implications. I can go really really deep when it comes to energy and life cycles and such.

 

But I won't do that now. Too much said is usually too much said.

 

So on this second day of an exciting new year, I will accept this quote as a mandate to really live this life that I have. There's no diminishing of life as we age. We are simply having a life...the one we are making-- either consciously or unconsciously.

 

 That's my tip--  Let's be as conscious as possible about what we do with LIFE. Let's not drag through our days clinging to beliefs that we haven't examined for ages. Let's not assume that because something didn't work six months ago means that it won't work now. .Let's process our circumstances in ways that resonate with possibility and light-heartedness.

 

And let's raise our expectations and believe we can create the best, unique, most soul-satisfying lives we can. Not as dictated by society or tradition or the community or the culture, but as dictated by the tiny, vibrant place within that's counting on us to get the most out of this journey. 

 

 

I will continue to contemplate on "Life has no opposite."

 

 

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"Guilt is a useless emotion." (Wayne Dyer)

I haven't blogged for a while. I was about to feel guilty. Actually I've had low-grade guilt humming beneath my spirit for two weeks. My internal dialogue was running something like this: I have plenty to say, so why aren't I saying it? I'm slacking; that' s why."

But this morning, I stayed in the bed for a while and felt the weeks of over-activity weighting my body to the mattress. If we're lucky the holiday season brings gatherings, shopping, planning, and running around in crowds. If we're unlucky, it may bring sadness, regret, fear, and stress.

AHA!

We can't beat ourselves up during a season that brings heavier loads. Some things will have to fall off until there's space on our wagons.

So my grounding tip this Christmas Eve is to keep your internal dialogue going in a positive way. We can't remember or even afford to give everybody a gift. We might not have the ideal circumstances with friends, family, money, or whatever. This might not be the happiest time of the year for you. That's okay. Lose the pressure. Life just is. It doesn't have to be any particular way. Do your best, and call it a day. And sometimes our best falls way short of our ideal.

My new and improved aging process!

In the book Younger Next Year, co-author Henry S. Lodge, M.D. states, "Some 70 percent of premature death and aging is lifestyle related. Heart attacks, strokes, the common cancers, diabetes ... and many more illnesses are primarily caused by the way we live. If we had the will to do it, we could eliminate more than half of all disease in women and men over fifty. Not delay it, eliminate it."

Is that not the best news you've heard all year? Americans have become pretty sickly. It's evident by the number of CVS, Walgreens, and Rite Aids at the major intersections. And their parking lots are rarely empty.

So here's my testimony of sorts:

Two winters ago I went to NY to visit family and friends. I'm not exaggerating when I say that a good 20% of my time was spent rummaging through luggage trying to locate items I'd packed. My brain fog was clearly at an all-time high, and my nervous system was definitely lacking some vital nutrients. My heart did a fair amount of palpitating, and my breathing was shallow enough to realize that I was probably oxygen poor. I shlogged (my word) through the vacation praying for the strength to survive it all.

Fast forward to two weeks ago.

 I took the same trip, with the same people, to the same four-family house in which I grew up. The only difference is that this past year, based on the advice of my naturopathic practitioner, I gave up sugar and processed carbs (I still get to eat rice and whole grains-- the best food group on earth!). I exercise more than I did (but not quite the 45 minutes, six days a week that the Younger Next Year authors emphasize). 

This time I felt just fine. My mind was clear. My energy level was even. I enjoyed the crowds, the walking, the treks up and down the subway steps, the late nights, the wine, the chaos of preparing Thanksgiving food with loved ones. I realized that I feel MUCH younger now than I have for nearly a decade. I also realize that looking younger has become the feel-good accomplishment of our culture (and I don't knock that, because I certainly want to look good too), but if we don't feel good, the quality of our lives will be greatly diminished. Basically, we won't feel good enough to do the things that ultimately make us happy.

I'm ecstatic to announce that I feel a HECK of a lot younger than I have in a long, long time, and that is the key to some WONDERFUL milestones that I've met recently.... which I'll write about at a later date....

Emergency! Time Pressure!!!!!

Deepak Chopra wrote, “In medicine we realize that people who don’t have enough time are probably going to develop health problems. The discovery of Type A behavior, for example, revealed that heart attacks were linked to a sense that there’s never enough time. …” Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.

It scared me when I read that. I totally identify. I was not surprised to read Deepak’s words, “It’s no accident that the word deadline contains the word dead.” When I wrote grants for a living, I would have to go directly to bed after meeting a deadline and stay there for a couple of days because I was simply done. After 15 years of that, I changed careers and never looked back because I felt like the deadlines would send me to an early grave. I don’t even like to hear the word grant at this point.

Something deep in my soul knows that the chronic rush so many of us feel is unnatural. We know it's not good for us, and it doesn't feel good while it's happening. Whether you work out in the world or work at home, there is this underlying, nagging feeling of what comes next, and will I have enough time, and I don't want to be late, and when am I going to do x and y?

So what’s the solution? I thought about summarizing Deepak’s recommendations, but they are a bit too metaphysical for simply trying to make it through the day. His website, however, is worth the visit: http://www.deepakchopra.com.

Linear time is simply what we’re stuck with (on this plane anyway). We only have so much leeway. So this weekend, I tried to come up with ways to save my heart—which has a tendency to race and rebel when under emotional time pressure. Since I want my heart to last for as long as I want it to last (a very, very long time), these are my intentions:

q       Make a daily list with the most important things at the top, and try very hard to fit in the things that really matter. So today at 4 p.m., I simply stopped what I was doing, locked the classroom, and drove to the track to get in my three-mile walk. I refused to think about the condition of my desk because that would have taken me out of the present moment. The condition of the desk will be in my present moment tomorrow when I walk into the room.

q      Prepare only two items for weekday dinners (plus I will always have a chopped head of lettuce, so it can be a third thing if desired.) I have this ridiculous, early twentieth-century habit of sometimes making separate dinner items for each of us—e.g., pork for my husband, chicken for me. I lost that habit today when I realized I must suffer from some form of mental illness. Two dishes—max.

q       Keep centered in the face of chaos. If you are exposed to people-- any people, there will be stress (kids, wives, partners, husbands, parents, family members, coworkers, etc.). People will always have their own agendas, and sometimes will have agendas for us. Everybody basically wants what they want. Sooooo, I’m going to remember my agenda and think long and hard before I respond to the desires of others. Deepak says to have an inner smile and take three deep breaths before responding (something to that effect). Doesn’t that seem like a wonderful way to handle people who are trying to steal our time? Because if we aren't mindful, we will run out of time without having done anything that we want to do.

I suggest that you come up with your own plan. To coerce you into doing so, I’ll leave you with a final quote from Ageless Body, Timeless Mind. “When heart patients are given demanding tasks under a deadline, a significant number grow so agitated that their heart muscles actually suffer ischemic or “silent” heart attacks (damage without any sensation or pain).”   Jeeze!!!!!!!!!  (But to make you a bit optimistic... I've read that we can heal practically everything-- even the most caustic and devastating illnesses with the proper attention and focus.)

The perfect is the enemy of the good

I become a bit shy (such a childish word) when I’m sort of on the spot—like when I’m in front of a group participating in some forum that is not my strong suit. In such a case, I want the opportunity to really rehearse and over-prepare. Otherwise I tend to feel inadequate, and after the situation is over, I beat myself up a bit. I will remember every stammer, every omission, or any foolish statement. I’ll relive the discomfort and feel lousy.

Today I was about to go down that road after participating in a workshop. I wished I’d had more time to think about my role in it. But maybe because I’m blogging about reducing stress, I was instantly aware of the truth of the matter. My self-criticism was irrelevant—nothing major at all. Nothing I would judge anybody else harshly for committing or omitting. I was able to catch myself and basically say, “Who do I think I am that I have to expect such perfection from myself?”

My friend mentioned a quote a of Voltaire's “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” Fixating on perfection is crippling. We will rarely feel that the time to do something is now. The time will always be after I’ve done this, or mastered that, or rehearsed however many more times. The need for perfection keeps us from putting ourselves out there in ways that would probably do us a lot of good.  But the chance never comes if we just keep self-critiquing forever.

There are some areas that demand such detail-oriented nitpicking—where almost really isn’t good enough. But there are many situations in everyday life that would turn out so much better if we would just relax and do our best and move on. Doing our best at the moment is the important thing. Also, according to many of the sages, there is no future—there is only now.

So ultimately the closest we will get to perfection comes from having the courage to put ourselves out there when we are merely good, and over time—that good gets better and better.

Inside and Outside Truth

Amy Bloom wrote in her novel Away, "Everyone has two memories. The one you can tell and the one that is stuck to the underside of that, the dark, tarry smear of what happened." I like this because everyone likes his or her own decent version of our story. In the retelling, we might shy away from the parts that cast us in an unfavorable light. Sometimes that might be the ugly thing someone said to us that hints at a deeper truth. Other times it might be the part we played in a drama that took a turn for the worse. Sometimes it’s a little thing we did or didn’t do that ultimately made a difference in the outcome.

So in order to stay grounded, I guess we can say or tell what we want to… as long as we don’t lie to ourselves. When we believe our superficial story and omit the “dark, tarry smear of what happened”, we are doomed to let ourselves off the hook too easily. We are likely to blame the world for our conditions when we had all the power. The power that lies in seeing our own truth-- stark and bare. Owning our truth lets us walk authentically through life, dealing with what really is there, and coming to terms with what actually helps or hinders us on our journey.

Recommit

All week the idea of recommiting has been with me. Life simply requires it. We all have intentions. Then life happens, and the intentions fall by the wayside. Then we remember what we set out to do and become discouraged, maybe hit ourselves over the head a few times, call ourselves a few names.  This may apply to exercise, eating, meditating, running, giving things up for Lent, cussing, judging, yelling, and on and on. My grounding tip is this: When we recognize we've fallen off, do the merciful thing and recommit. There's no virtue in hating little bits of ourselves because we're human. Really. That's a myth. A crock.

Give it your best shot again.  That's part of the journey.

Leonard Orr wrote these powerful words:
Infinite Power directed by thoughts of weakness can produce infinite weakness. Infinite power directed by wholesome and healthy thoughts produce infinite wholesomeness, health, and safety - beyond safety - peace and pleasure.