Staying Grounded in a Frantic World: Don't try to impress anybody.

Staying Grounded in a Frantic World: Don't try to impress anybody.: I was self-employed for years. I had to give a lot of thought about how to "sell" myself and my products to prospective clients. I was think...

Don't try to impress anybody.

I was self-employed for years. I had to give a lot of thought about how to "sell" myself and my products to prospective clients. I was thinking about that today, and remembered how there were times that I was so stressed about meeting certain people that I'd be a wreck up to the moment that I sat in the chair.  (That is not healthy!) There is no shortage of books and articles about how to impress and influence people, and reading such things will definitely make us feel like we're preparing ourselves for what we might encounter. And there is certainly a need to dress and act according to the environment we're entering. But there are simple uniforms that we can all wear and little guidelines we can follow for such occasions (like no-gum and cellphones) and be done with that part of it. No stress there.

What I'm talking about is the stress of interacting with a strange personality who will be judging our personality and making a decision about who we are and whether or not we are worthy. I'm talking about the stress that goes into trying to land whatever it is we're trying to land.

But!

Can we really know what a stranger values and favors in another individual? I think not. Everybody is unique-- including a prospective boss, a new man or woman, your finance's parents, a potential client, etc. Trying to adjust or contort ourselves in order to make someone think highly of us is a recipe for throwing off our game.

What do I mean by that? The truth is, the best we have to offer is the confident self; not the shrinking, insecure, I-hope-you-like-me self. What is attractive-- whether in business or in our personal lives, is usually the thoughtful presentation of the best qualities that we have acquired and honed according to our unique experiences.

So when we approach situations that require us to impress someone, maybe we can shift the thinking to the need to show up as the best self that we have to offer. I really believe that we should reflect often about how to develop the gifts and personal traits that we have-- sort of like training for personal olympics. If we have goals and aspirations, we can continually take personal inventories of our strengths and and qualities and keep refining them and sharpening them, so that when opportunities arrive, we are more than prepared to show up as the confident individuals that we have become-- instead of stressing over who we need to be in somebody else's eyes.

Using vacation time well

One of the greatest perks about teaching is having the summer off. (Although I hear year-round teachers love their schedule.) The great thing for me is that I get to write a LOT! I always write, but what I always want is to get up in the morning and write all day, and just do that day after day after day. But even during summer vacation, I still have to eat well, exercise, do laundry, vacuum, and brush my teeth, etc. So my point is that even when we have down time, there is a long list of must dos.

Why am I throwing the monkey wrench into the notion of vacation? Because I use time better when I'm realistic about all that life requires. The first summer I was off disappeared in the blink of an eye. I had little to show for it. I had this naive notion that time drags during vacation, and I'd have plenty of time. It doesn't drag! It flies! All year I'd waited for the summer vacation to come so I'd have time to get organized, clear the attic, finish the novel, get rid of clutter, etc. But my late starts and daydreaming with three cups of tea took up hours of my days, and suddenly it was all over. I was soooo disappointed.

This is not happening to me this year! I front-loaded a lot of entertainment into my schedule as soon as I got out, and I still have lots of time left! I went to NY, had houseguests, went to a family reunion, and really enjoyed myself. Now I'm writing during morning hours, and researching a good part of the afternoon, and I'm building in the must-dos where they fit in. This is exactly the vacation lifestyle that satisfies my soul.

So if you're lucky enough to have asummer vacation, I nudge you to enjoy every minute of it. And I urge you to prioritize doing the things you really want to do. Otherwise all your time can be spent doing all the things you have to do anyway (like the laundry and dinner and vacuuming) without the satisfaction of using time in the way you intended or that nourishes your spirit. And it doesn't matter whether you have a week, a month, or two months, it's your time to use the way YOU decide. So make decisions about what will give you the greatest satisfaction.



Nardo and I with Walt (Clyde) Frazier at Clyde Frazier's Wine and Dine in NYC.

The Four Agreements and uncovering who we are at the core

"In The Four Agreements shamanic teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz exposes self-limiting beliefs and presents a simple yet effective code of personal conduct learned from his Toltec ancestors."

 I love this little book. It was the perfect read for the beginning of the summer. I read it in two days, and I'm committing to Don Miguel Ruiz's four agreements:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Take nothing personally.
• Don't make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

At the heart of the book is getting beyond all the programming or societal "agreements" that are made unconsciously. Regardless of who we are at the core, we are pretty much programmed into believing and behaving in certain ways. This quote says it all for me: "Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."

If I follow his four agreements, Ruiz says: "They will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements."

I'll keep you posted.

For the teachers out there....

I teach. Some of the high school students I teach give me (and everybody else) a good run for my money. This morning I was thinking about why so many teachers burn out. I, personally, am not burned out. ...not by any stretch of the imagination. I actually enjoy what I do, but I am, of course, looking forward to the end of the school year because who doesn't love vacation?

So back to the burn out. The thing about teaching is that, as far as students go, you get what you get. Some will be easier than others. Some students will consistently buck every one of your systems, directives, and desires. That overwhelmed condition known as burn out can easily be caused by a teacher's belief that he or she can (metaphorically) whip kids into shape. During the course of my career, I've seen teachers' veins bulge out of their necks and foreheads, cry in the restroom, and plead with administrators.

I'm here to say, you have to know what is possible and what is not. You should learn as much about classroom management as you possibly can because that is what will ultimately save your hide. You should get to know the students as well as you can (which is largely dependent on the size of your classes) in order to target your strategies appropriately. Of course you should know your subject areas so your lessons aren't so boring or disjointed that you deserve to be given a hard time. Those are basically the tools of the trade.


So, if you have your tools, and you use them wisely, know that you still won't get all the students to do exactly what you have in mind, and no amount of stress and strain will make it happen. Students are people too, and they have personalities and goals and sometimes what you're selling isn't exactly what they want on their plates. There are days that I actually laugh out loud at how incorrigible a particular student has proven to be. Sometimes it's a whole handful of incorrigibles who sort of band together as a sort of anti-class posse. Because that's just how life is, and that's how school is.

Soooo... recognize when you are doing your very best, then cut yourself enough slack that you can actually enjoy your work.

And for teachers who are mothers, you have to realize that most of your little darlings aren't always little darlings, so they sure don't miraculously change into them once they're in the classroom.

So know your trade, do your absolute best without working yourself into a stupor, keep a sense of humor, and move on......

Problem-solving for real....

I'm at a conference that tackles issues related to teenage pregnancy. Since I work with a number of pregnant and parenting teens, I see the importance of this issue firsthand.

Dr. Michael Carrera and Dr. Joycelyn Elders are the speakers at the Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention Campaign of NC. The great thing about people like them-- accomplished individuals with a vision, is that they have a long history of figuring out how to deal with the problems that people find overwhelming. What I heard today in their really inspiring speeches, were testimonies and examples of how they made things work.

Dr. Elders has reached all kinds of milestones and still has the down-to-earth wit that kept the audience entertained. She is unabashedly honest about sexuality-- and how Americans stick their heads in the sand when it comes to the truth about sex. (http://www.indyweek.com/indyweek/dr-joycelyn-elders-former-us-surgeon-general/Content?oid=1209168)

Dr. Carrera has implemented 50 adolescent pregnancy prevention programs in more than 20 states. We know all this crap about basketball wives and Atlanta Housewives (well, I don't personally), but we don't know about the amazing strategies that really do change people's lives. And while people are trying to reinvent wheels all over the country, there people who know how to do what so many keep revisiting-- with little success.



I'm inspired by their commitment. We have to be committed to the things we find important in our lives.

It's Heart Time

Yesterday I woke up feeling like the bottom of an old shoe-- just worn all the way out. So I went to my naturopath and herbalist, Margie Mulholland (http://www.timberlakeherbstore.com/).   

Timberlake Herb Store

(Isn't this place a gem in this age of overkill?)

She wasn't surprised to see me because "I'm on the path" and I'm "sensitive." She told me it's heart time. It's the time of the year when the atmosphere heats up, and our hearts will feel it the most. Those with heart issues of any and all kinds might need some extra support. It's a time to stay cool and not get too overheated.

Ironically, I'm increasing my use of cayenne pepper and taking cayenne capsules because it stimulates the system and improves circulation. I'm also up-ing my CoenzymeQ10 which is something of a miracle in itself.
(http://www.natural-remedies-review.com/coenzyme-q10.html)

Today I'm feeling way better; luckily, my remedies are most often found in nature. My tips: Know your body. Listen to your body. Respond when it talks to you! 

It's okay to be uncomfortable

I told my daughter the other day that people would be a lot better off in the world if they had the mantra: "It's okay to be uncomfortable." Since she's just going out into the world for real, so much of what she's encountering is new. As I listen to her take on various situations, it dawned on me that much of what happens in our daily lives is a little bit uncomfortable (and sometimes a lot uncomfortable). Life really is kinda challenging:
We have to meet new people.
We have to interact with people we don't like.
We have to sit in meetings and hear about things that we don't like to hear about.
We have to wait in traffic and on lines.
Sometimes we have to walk through puddles.
Our underwear might ride up all day, or our tights crawl down.
We have to learn to use technology that we are clueless about.
We have to work through lunch to meet deadlines.
We have to drop everything and take somebody somewhere.
We have students or clients or somebody that we simply have to grin and bear.
We have to balance our checkbooks, so we don't run out of money.
We have to eat the lunch from hell because we didn't have time to make it in advance.
We have to change our plans for the gazillionth time because somebody found out about something that changes everything.
We have to make speeches or read aloud to strangers.
We have to put ourselves out there.

I could go on forever. The thing about this realization is that it made me a bit more okay about the IDEA of being uncomfortable. It's like we can go through lives with this myth about getting comfortable. But that makes us long for something other than the experience that we're having.  And maybe a lot of comfort is happening for a lot of people. But for me, I'm REALLY confortable for about an hour or two everyday. That's about it. For the rest of the time, I'm stretching myself to make life work, and making mental adjustments for what just is......

Fear in all its irrational glory!

    Fear cripples us, increases our heart rates, and does all kinds of harm to our human experience. All I have to say is that many people actually survive and even thrive in the midst of war, with debilitating illnesses, after losing loved ones, while living in horrendous sanitary conditions, having to walk miles just to get a ration of water (By the way, megabusinesses are actually rerouting villages' waterways so their plants can bottle water for our consumption! See http://academic.evergreen.edu/g/grossmaz/klessill/, and http://www.enviroalternatives.com/waterglobal.html, http://www.onlineeducation.net/bottled_water (Once you read about it, you'll probably stop buying bottled water.)

But I digress......

I really just want to put it on record that I'm serious about living beyond the fears that render me less effective than I need to be. According to filmmaker Michael Moore, the American media pretty much scares us to death with its ads and news reports, so it's no wonder our bellies flutter like flags throughout the day. We're reminded of aging with its creams and procedures, of how much fun we're not having by all the fun people are having on TV, of what marriage should be according to TV love images, and how clean our house should be-- even if our careers keep us away from it 12 or 13 hours a day, and on and on. There is so much stuff in our heads to distract us from what could be (on most days) rather pleasurable journeys.

 So, I simply want to confront the feeling of fear when it happens, and truly consider how much worse things could be. That's how I'll start reprogramming myself. As I've said before, most days things are soooo much better than they could be. This really might be as good as it gets, so we might as well start enjoying it.

I hear it all the time: “It is what it is.” All of a sudden, not only do I hear it all the time, I catch myself actually saying it. So when something is so contagious, there must be some sort of truth behind it. Of course I investigated (internally). This is what came to me: It’s sort of the “Que sera sera” of the ‘60s. (What will be will be..) That was a time that definitely had its challenges, but we’ve taken stress to a whole new level, and nobody can bring it down but us.

Since I’ve been reading Martha Beck’s Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, I’ve been trying to “drop into wordlessness.” That’s basically to stop thinking and trying to find words and labels for everything that we see, feel, encounter. Dropping into silence is not easy, and I’m not very good at it. What I realize is that there are probably some people who can get through their days and minutes without keeping a mental commentary. That's what I want to do. Because all that thinking and interpreting does little more than fuel our internal dramas. Even if we’re rerunning pleasant conversations, we’re setting ourselves up to juxtapose them to not so pleasant ones. We simply think too much. We stress ourselves out by following any lead our busy minds put in front of us.

There is a real peace that comes when I don’t try to figure out every little thing. I don’t have to keep my mind fixed on what every nuance means, wonder about how the weekend will turn out, or how the students will behave in class next period, or where my guests will want to go when they visit next week. There's a time for all of that, but it's just not all the time.

 I’m learning to sit and look a little vacant sometimes, or wait until something passes, or let a comment just dangle in the air. Because, probably, 9 times out of 10 it simply is what it is. So what’s to think about?